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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Cat Seemed Perfectly Content Right Up Until Point He Bolted Out Of Room

SOMERSET, NJ—Twenty-eight-year-old Jason Wagner confirmed Tuesday that his cat, Pepper, seemed totally relaxed and content up until the moment he jumped from the living room couch onto the floor and darted out of the living room. “For 15 minutes he was purring, sitting on my lap—asleep even—but, just like that, it all changed,” Wagner said of his cat’s abrupt, 180-degree mood shift. “One moment, you think he could lie there the entire day, and the next he’s on some sort of impromptu search-and-destroy mission.” At press time, Pepper had reportedly walked calmly back into the room, leapt onto the couch, and lain down as if nothing had happened.

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