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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Cat Seemed Perfectly Content Right Up Until Point He Bolted Out Of Room

SOMERSET, NJ—Twenty-eight-year-old Jason Wagner confirmed Tuesday that his cat, Pepper, seemed totally relaxed and content up until the moment he jumped from the living room couch onto the floor and darted out of the living room. “For 15 minutes he was purring, sitting on my lap—asleep even—but, just like that, it all changed,” Wagner said of his cat’s abrupt, 180-degree mood shift. “One moment, you think he could lie there the entire day, and the next he’s on some sort of impromptu search-and-destroy mission.” At press time, Pepper had reportedly walked calmly back into the room, leapt onto the couch, and lain down as if nothing had happened.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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