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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Cat Seemed Perfectly Content Right Up Until Point He Bolted Out Of Room

SOMERSET, NJ—Twenty-eight-year-old Jason Wagner confirmed Tuesday that his cat, Pepper, seemed totally relaxed and content up until the moment he jumped from the living room couch onto the floor and darted out of the living room. “For 15 minutes he was purring, sitting on my lap—asleep even—but, just like that, it all changed,” Wagner said of his cat’s abrupt, 180-degree mood shift. “One moment, you think he could lie there the entire day, and the next he’s on some sort of impromptu search-and-destroy mission.” At press time, Pepper had reportedly walked calmly back into the room, leapt onto the couch, and lain down as if nothing had happened.

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