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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Catchphrase From 'The Love Guru' Overheard

ST. CLOUD, MN—A catchphrase from The Love Guru, comedian Mike Myers' latest film, which follows the exploits of a self-help mentor tasked with reuniting a professional hockey player with his wife, was overheard at a local bar, stunned witnesses reported Monday. "I didn't see who was saying it, but I think it was that part from the trailer where Justin Timberlake comes into the scene wearing a Speedo and Mike Myers says, 'It looks like he's smuggling a schnauzer,'" said a visibly distraught Richard Finestra, 28. "Who the hell is going around quoting from that movie? Oh God—and I recognized the line. What does that say about me?" The nation's film experts have urged Americans to remain calm, saying that the statistical likelihood of the movie ever being casually referenced again is roughly 1 in 300,000,000.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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