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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Catherine Zeta-Jones Happy To See People On Internet Would Still Hit That

NEW YORK—Forty-one-year-old actress Catherine Zeta-Jones told reporters Sunday she was "quite pleased" to know a majority of Internet commenters would totally still hit that. "At this point in my career, it's encouraging to see that Devin808 would still tap my ass if he had the chance, and I was flattered when HandyMan14 said that, even though I'm not as hot now as I was in High Fidelity, he definitely wouldn't mind tearing me apart until I could barely walk," a smiling Zeta-Jones said. "CowboysFan93 was really specific about how he'd like to choke me with his cock, which, as an actress now in her 40s, really brightened my day." At press time, Zeta-Jones' husband Michael Douglas was reportedly searching for any type of Internet comment speculating on the size of his penis.

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