adBlockCheck

International

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
End Of Section
  • More News

Catholic Church Allows Gays to Serve as Altar Boys

VATICAN CITY—In a radical break from centuries of strict church doctrine, the Pope approved a measure yesterday that would allow gay men and boys to be provisionally accepted into the Catholic Church.

According to the pontiff’s new plan, gays will be allowed to serve as altar boys at all public and private church functions.

“It is high time the Catholic Church moved forward on the issue of homosexuality,” said Cardinal John Valento, speaking on behalf of the Pope. “And what better way to introduce young gay men into the Church than through the gracious and caring hands of an experienced priest?”

Valento added he looks forward to showing the new altar boys the glory of the Lord’s and his own brand of “everlasting love.”

The new altar boys’ duties will be similar to those of the current ones, with responsibilities including lighting and snuffing candles, assisting clergy with the sacrament of Holy Communion, burning incense and assisting clergy with bathing and dressing.

Reactions from within the clergy were largely positive.

“I am pleased that our Church’s anti-gay stance is finally going by the wayside,” said Father Tom Coughlin of St. Peter’s Church in Chicago. “And to help welcome these new altar boys, I have decided to hold a small pool party at my house on July 25. All are welcome.”

Added Coughlin, “Bring your trunks.”

Still, not everyone within the church was as welcoming. “Though I am God’s servant and will do as the Pope directs, I am strongly opposed to this unholy contamination of the Church,” remarked Father Anthony Worrell of Denver, CO. “I will therefore be inspecting every single inch of these new altar boys in order to ensure the absolute and utter perfection and cleanliness of their bodies.”

Father Daniel McComb added he will follow the Pope’s orders reluctantly.

“Unearthly beauty or no unearthly beauty, these men are filthy sinners,” McComb said. “Be assured whatever gays I take on will be thoroughly spanked each and every day. The pretty ones twice, the vile tempters.”

McComb added he would also “use his fists” if he were “called upon to do so by the Lord Christ.”

When asked if the new plan could someday lead to gays in the priesthood, New York’s Cardinal John O’Connor replied: “Why, no.”

“We wish only to give them meaningful work here on Earth,” O’Connor said, “since they will spend the afterlife suffering eternal hellfire.”

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close