Cavaliers Declared NBA Champions As Basketball Knocks Off Early

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Cavaliers Declared NBA Champions As Basketball Knocks Off Early

NEW YORK—A happy, triumphant, and visibly relieved LeBron James accepted the 2009 NBA Championship trophy from commissioner David Stern at a small ceremony in New York Wednesday, just hours after the NBA announced that it would be canceling the remainder of the 2008–2009 season to give itself, and sports fans, a much-needed break.

"On behalf of the Cavaliers, I'm glad I could bring them the title, but mostly I'm just glad I don't have to play all that basketball," said James, who wore street clothes to the 15-minute presentation and left without taking questions. "You have to admit, 80 games is a lot of damn basketball. I'm still tired from last season."

"Cleveland fans are the greatest in the world," James added before leaving for an extended vacation in Costa Rica. "We couldn't have done this without them."

According to Stern, the decision to call off the season was reached by league-wide consensus late last week, when a panel of NBA coaches and front-office executives tasked with investigating professional basketball's recent dip in popularity revealed that the panel members themselves were experiencing general feelings of malaise, mental and emotional fatigue, and overall indifference towards the sport.

"At that point, it seemed prudent to give everyone a rest," Stern said. "We need to get people excited about basketball again, and it's obvious the best way to do that is to stop shoving so much basketball down people's throats all the time. I know that I myself am getting utterly sick of the game."

"And naming the Cavaliers as the champions is just good for the sport, too," Stern added. "I look forward to their title defense in 2009, when they've had time to rest up from this short but frankly exhausting season."

Stern also announced that the WNBA would continue to play its current season, but was reminded by reporters that the WNBA had actually concluded its season on Oct. 5, a fact Stern said "just goes to show you."

News of the NBA's new champion and abbreviated season was met with a combination of acclaim and relief around the basketball world, which has not had any time off from itself since a three-month strike gave everyone a welcome break from the 1998–1999 season.

"I've certainly had enough basketball in the last two weeks to last me a while," said Cleveland fan Andrew Rappman, a regular at the Cav Shack, a Cleveland-area sports bar. "It was really a great season—the Cavs only lost two games, and to see Zydrunas Ilgauskas named as Finals MVP was bittersweet, since he probably would've really had a great Finals if they'd played, and because I'm not sure he'll be back. Or me, either, actually, because I'm taking a break from hoops until March Madness starts."

"I think this is just what basketball needs," said Michele Tafoya, a former basketball reporter for ESPN. "Less basketball. There are still plenty of great stories—Iverson as a Piston, Greg Oden missing another season, the Oklahoma City Thunder winning only one game, and now the Cavaliers' first championship. I don't see how playing a couple thousand games was going to change anything."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close