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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Cavaliers GM Believes Joel Embiid Perfect Prospect To Build Medical Team Around

CLEVELAND—With draft day fast approaching, Cleveland Cavaliers general manager David Griffin told reporters Monday that he believes prospective number-one pick Joel Embiid is the perfect player to build a medical team around. “When I look at Joel, I see a basketball player who has exactly what we need to take our medical team to the next level,” said Griffin, emphasizing that Embiid represents a core around which Cleveland can bring together a skilled group of doctors, surgeons, and physical therapists. “He’s the nucleus. When you’ve got an athlete like that, you put your medical personnel in place to do great things. Sure, [2013 draft pick] Anthony Bennett led to us getting an expert orthopedist, but having Joel on our roster will allow us to put in place a solid team of medical professionals who will thrive here for years to come.” Griffin added that, provided both Embiid and his physicians perform as expected this season, the Cavaliers will be in the perfect position to once again secure the number-one overall pick in the 2015 NBA Draft.

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