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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Cavaliers Impressed With Mike Brown’s Willingness To Coach Cavaliers

CLEVELAND—A week after hiring the former Lakers head coach, Cleveland Cavaliers general manager Chris Grant announced at a press conference Wednesday that the team was most excited about Mike Brown’s total willingness to coach the Cavaliers. “From the moment he expressed some interest, we knew we had our guy,” said Grant, detailing the rigorous interview process they conducted with Brown to ensure the one-time NBA Coach of the Year was serious. “Obviously, we like his experience and trust his ability to develop the young talent on our team, but what really sold us most was the fact that he evidently wants to coach here. We honestly couldn’t say that about any other candidates we considered.” After finishing with the league’s third-worst record, Grant said the Cavaliers will next turn their attention to the draft, where they hope to add yet another talented young player who doesn’t want to be in Cleveland.

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