The Week In Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

CC Sabathia Chowing Down On Homemade Marinara Baseball Sub

KANSAS CITY—His face dripping with sauce and strings of mozzarella cheese, New York Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia was reportedly chowing down on a homemade marinara baseball sub in the team’s dugout Wednesday. “Oh man, there have to be six or seven baseballs in that sandwich, and he’s absolutely going to town on it,” outfielder Brett Gardner said of his teammate, who explained to Gardner that the best way to make the hero was to panfry a couple of Rawlings official league balls and then slow-simmer them in his custom garlic basil tomato sauce before laying them out on a freshly baked foot-long Italian roll atop several slices of mozzarella and a sprinkling of parmesan. “A ball squirted out of the bottom and he just scooped it right up with his glove and popped it straight into his mouth. He’s barely even chewing as he inhales that thing. He’s just a machine.” At press time, a bloated and lethargic Sabathia was reportedly using a toothpick to remove a strand of yarn stuck in his teeth.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.