MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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CC Sabathia Chowing Down On Homemade Marinara Baseball Sub

KANSAS CITY—His face dripping with sauce and strings of mozzarella cheese, New York Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia was reportedly chowing down on a homemade marinara baseball sub in the team’s dugout Wednesday. “Oh man, there have to be six or seven baseballs in that sandwich, and he’s absolutely going to town on it,” outfielder Brett Gardner said of his teammate, who explained to Gardner that the best way to make the hero was to panfry a couple of Rawlings official league balls and then slow-simmer them in his custom garlic basil tomato sauce before laying them out on a freshly baked foot-long Italian roll atop several slices of mozzarella and a sprinkling of parmesan. “A ball squirted out of the bottom and he just scooped it right up with his glove and popped it straight into his mouth. He’s barely even chewing as he inhales that thing. He’s just a machine.” At press time, a bloated and lethargic Sabathia was reportedly using a toothpick to remove a strand of yarn stuck in his teeth.

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