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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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‘CC Sabathia Is Hurting Team,’ Report Yankees Trapped Beneath Pitcher

NEW YORK—Claiming that the left-hander was inflicting significant damage to the team, Yankees sources trapped beneath CC Sabathia told reporters Friday that the pitcher was causing harm to the ball club’s mental and physical well-being. “He’s just crippling this team right now,” said an anonymous Yankee player, speaking in muffled, barely audible tones. “We’ve all felt it, and each day is getting worse and worse. Guys are awfully demoralized and some are clearly giving up. This really hurts. I’ve never seen the Yankees in such a bad place.” At press time, Yankees players confirmed that Sabathia was crushing their hopes of surviving until the postseason.

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