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CDC Announces Americans Should Make Plans To Say Goodbye To Loved Ones

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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CDC Announces Americans Should Make Plans To Say Goodbye To Loved Ones

ATLANTA—During a brief, impromptu press conference at the agency’s headquarters this morning, Centers For Disease Control director Dr. Thomas Frieden announced that Americans should start making plans to say goodbye to loved ones right away. “Citizens are advised to bid farewell to parents, children, and any other friends or family they haven’t seen in a while,” Frieden told reporters, adding that if you live anywhere in the Northeast, you should definitely call within the next 48 hours, if not by tonight. “If you have any unresolved emotional issues with any family member whatsoever, now is the time to work those out—I mean right now, because there will not be another chance. You don’t want any regrets.” Concluding his statement to the American public, Frieden said, “Dad, I love you. And I’m so sorry you never really got to know your grandson.”

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