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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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CDC Attempts To Put Ebola Outbreak In Perspective By Releasing List Of Worse Ways To Die

WASHINGTON—Hoping to downplay fears of a potential Ebola outbreak in the United States, CDC officials aimed to put the disease in perspective Monday by releasing a list of worse ways to die than the infectious hemorrhagic virus. “It is understandable that individuals may be concerned by the presence of Ebola in the United States, but the general public should relax and recognize that there are quite a number of ways of dying that are, in fact, more terrible than succumbing to this disease; indeed, we were able to come up with several dozen,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that the 50-item list, which is currently available on the agency’s website, includes scenarios such as contracting leprosy and smallpox simultaneously, suffering dozens of infected bullet and stab wounds, and falling into an industrial-size wood chipper, climbing out part way, and then falling back in again. “While the public should continue to exercise a prudent level of caution, also remember that you could trip and land in a vat of caustic industrial solvent that slowly eats away at your body, or you could be sucked out of a jagged, shattered airplane window at 38,000 feet. We do not take your worries lightly, but know that there are, conceivably, more awful ways to go.” Frieden further attempted to assuage the American populace by reminding them that dying of Ebola in the United States was still a far better experience than dying of Ebola in Africa.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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