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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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CDC Attempts To Put Ebola Outbreak In Perspective By Releasing List Of Worse Ways To Die

WASHINGTON—Hoping to downplay fears of a potential Ebola outbreak in the United States, CDC officials aimed to put the disease in perspective Monday by releasing a list of worse ways to die than the infectious hemorrhagic virus. “It is understandable that individuals may be concerned by the presence of Ebola in the United States, but the general public should relax and recognize that there are quite a number of ways of dying that are, in fact, more terrible than succumbing to this disease; indeed, we were able to come up with several dozen,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that the 50-item list, which is currently available on the agency’s website, includes scenarios such as contracting leprosy and smallpox simultaneously, suffering dozens of infected bullet and stab wounds, and falling into an industrial-size wood chipper, climbing out part way, and then falling back in again. “While the public should continue to exercise a prudent level of caution, also remember that you could trip and land in a vat of caustic industrial solvent that slowly eats away at your body, or you could be sucked out of a jagged, shattered airplane window at 38,000 feet. We do not take your worries lightly, but know that there are, conceivably, more awful ways to go.” Frieden further attempted to assuage the American populace by reminding them that dying of Ebola in the United States was still a far better experience than dying of Ebola in Africa.

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