Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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CDC Officials Announce Free Ice Cream For Everyone, Delicious Tasty Ice Cream, And Also There Is An Ebola Outbreak

ATLANTA—In a sudden, unscheduled announcement Tuesday, officials from the Centers for Disease Control revealed that they were giving away free ice cream, had enough of the frozen dessert for everyone, and that, by the way, there had also been an outbreak of the deadly Ebola virus in the United States.

CDC chief Thomas Frieden tells citizens not to panic and that they can have as many toppings as they want.

CDC director Thomas R. Frieden led the emergency press conference, during which he called for all Americans to step right up and get as much of the tasty ice cream as they wanted, and, in unrelated news, 162 Ebola-related deaths have been reported in 12 states.

"Strawberry, chocolate, butter pecan—so many delicious flavors," said Frieden, who added that this just had to be the greatest day ever, and how could anyone have a care in the world, what with all this free ice cream up for grabs. "We also have sundaes and sorbets and, look at us, we're all having such a wonderful time!"

Continued Frieden, clearing his throat, "The Ebola virus attacks white blood cells indiscriminately, eventually leading to systemic organ failure as the infected individual literally dissolves from the inside out. There is a 10 percent chance of survival."

Bringing a large spoon of rocky road to his lips, Frieden went on to explain that the CDC was still not sure how the lethal hemorrhagic fever had originated, why it was spreading and mutating at such an alarming rate, or whether the agency was even remotely prepared to deal with the deadly pandemic expected to overtake the country within 72 hours.

Stricken with vomiting, diarrhea, and inflamed larynxes, Ebola victims hemmorhage violently and wait to claim their free cones.

The only thing he knew for sure, Frieden told reporters, was that ice cream was always creamy and delicious, so let's not even worry about all that other stuff, and just dig in already.

"I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!" shouted CDC spokesperson Martha Hare, who joined Frieden up on stage and began frantically handing out cartons of the sweet summertime dessert to all in attendance. "Those shrieks, they are definitely for ice cream. Those shrieks, they are not in any way the result of sudden ocular hemorrhaging. Yes, everyone is having a delightful time screaming their heads off about ice cream."

"Look!" Hare continued. "Look at all these crunchy waffle cones!"

According to officials, federal response teams are currently setting up triage units all across the country and urging every citizen to "go ahead and put some chocolate sauce right on top of that ice cream now, because within 21 days, none of this is going to matter anyway."

In addition, the agency explained that unless something is done to stop the latest strain of the virus, which appears to be transmittable through skin contact and airborne agents, close to 96 percent of the population could be wiped out, "so, great news—more tasty ice cream for the rest of us!"

"This will easily be the most lethal epidemic in U.S. history," said Dr. Howard Copeland, a triage-unit surgeon who was called in by the government to deal with "all the fun everyone is having." "Fever, vomiting, massive body rashes, blood pouring out from the ears. These are all symptoms of Ebola."

Added the man whom the CDC has dubbed Dr. Happy Party Time, "Now, um, who wants some sprinkles on their sundae?"

Records indicate this isn't the first time the agency has offered the American public a special treat. In March 1982, the CDC delivered news of a virulent new strain of influenza while simultaneously setting off a series of jaw- dropping fireworks. And in 2003, agency director Julie Gerberding informed the public of a possible anthrax outbreak while wearing an oversized sombrero and throwing free tokens into the air at a local Chuck E. Cheese's.

Though epidemiologists have predicted the Ebola virus will utterly devastate the populace, the economy, and the entire civilization of the United States, most are taking the terrifying news in stride.

"Oh, man, this is so, so good," said Seattle resident Michael Sturges, his eyes rolling back in his head as his inflamed orifices excreted a relentless flow of liquefied waste. "Cookies and cream! Mmm-hmm. It's the best."


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