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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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CDC Study Finds Decrease In Oral Sex Among Teens When Researchers Are Observing

HYATTSVILLE, MD—A new study released Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that although the number of U.S. teens having oral sex remained high, the rate was considerably lower when scientific researchers were openly observing them. "When teenagers were by themselves, with nobody from the scientific community in the same room with them closely watching their sexual behavior, our findings indicate that 47 percent of them engaged in oral sex," CDC spokesman Miles Dalton told reporters during a press conference. "However, when the adolescents were being watched by researchers, that number dropped as low as 3 percent. Moreover, when scientists, clipboard in hand, told the teenagers that they wouldn't mind at all or be offended if they began having oral sex right there in front of them, that number rose only slightly to a still very low 5 percent." According to Dalton, the rate of teenagers willing to engage in anal sex while alone or while being observed by scientists was, in both cases, 89 percent.

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