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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland

NEW YORK—According to 27-year-old Alex Wilson, the five-blade ceiling fan in his apartment’s common room is making the two-bedroom living space a veritable winter wonderland, providing him with an enchanting arctic sanctuary from the triple-digit temperatures outside. “Brrr, it’s like Christmas in here!” Wilson said as the ceiling fan oscillated above, its icy vortex of wind making the fifth-floor apartment feel as chilly as a midwinter’s day. “If anything, it’s too cold. What if I don’t have enough blankets to keep me warm at night?” At press time, Wilson was making some hot cocoa and settling in to watch Miracle On 34th Street.

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