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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland

NEW YORK—According to 27-year-old Alex Wilson, the five-blade ceiling fan in his apartment’s common room is making the two-bedroom living space a veritable winter wonderland, providing him with an enchanting arctic sanctuary from the triple-digit temperatures outside. “Brrr, it’s like Christmas in here!” Wilson said as the ceiling fan oscillated above, its icy vortex of wind making the fifth-floor apartment feel as chilly as a midwinter’s day. “If anything, it’s too cold. What if I don’t have enough blankets to keep me warm at night?” At press time, Wilson was making some hot cocoa and settling in to watch Miracle On 34th Street.

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