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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland

NEW YORK—According to 27-year-old Alex Wilson, the five-blade ceiling fan in his apartment’s common room is making the two-bedroom living space a veritable winter wonderland, providing him with an enchanting arctic sanctuary from the triple-digit temperatures outside. “Brrr, it’s like Christmas in here!” Wilson said as the ceiling fan oscillated above, its icy vortex of wind making the fifth-floor apartment feel as chilly as a midwinter’s day. “If anything, it’s too cold. What if I don’t have enough blankets to keep me warm at night?” At press time, Wilson was making some hot cocoa and settling in to watch Miracle On 34th Street.

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