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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Celebratory Jets Dump Cooler Of Soap And Water On Rex Ryan

BUFFALO, NY—As the clock expired Sunday in their 27-11 victory over division rival Buffalo, Jets players honored head coach Rex Ryan by dumping a celebratory orange cooler of hot, soapy water over his body and making sure to cover every inch of him with a thick, triumphant lather. "This one was all you, Coach! Your power football scheme really wore them down!" said guard Brandon Moore, who joined his fellow linemen in victoriously scouring their coach with Jets loofahs as filmy runoff from Ryan turned the sideline gray. "Those defensive substitutions were sheer genius!" added quarterback Mark Sanchez, tousling Ryan's hair thoroughly and working the soapy mixture deep into his scalp in celebration. Minutes later, when Ryan got his team's attention in the locker room to tell them they now had a share of first place in the AFC East, the Jets celebrated by popping the corks on bottles of bubble bath and hosing down their coach yet again.

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