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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Celebrity Disappointed After Meeting Fan

LOS ANGELES— Denzel Washington, who on Monday finally met longtime fan Brenda Haines, found the encounter anticlimactic, the Oscar-winning actor said. "I don't know, from her fan mail I always thought she'd be more exciting, I guess," Washington said following his awkward four-minute conversation with the 47-year-old Pomona waitress and mother of three. "And I'd always imagined she was taller."

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