adBlockCheck

Celebrity Launches Own-Breasts Awareness Campaign

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Celebrity Launches Own-Breasts Awareness Campaign

LOS ANGELES—Amid growing personal concern that the subjects are not receiving enough national attention, singer–actress Jessica Simpson announced the launch Monday of an ambitious, multimillion-dollar campaign promoting awareness of her breasts.

Simpson draws attention to her cause at a recent gala event in Washington, D.C.

"Each year, millions of lives could be affected by my breasts," said Simpson at a press conference in Los Angeles. "People of all ages, colors, and creeds are susceptible to them. Now it's just a matter of getting them out there for everyone to see. It's time Americans truly recognized the full size and scope of this devastating rack."

According to Simpson, breasts are the leading cause of film careers among women ages 18 to 35. However, if agents and producers fail to screen them early and often, the resulting lack of public awareness could lead to a rapid deterioration of sexy roles and, eventually, a premature end to one's career.

Simpson noted the examples of Rachael Leigh Cook, Tiffani Thiessen, and Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose careers were tragically cut short due to this same problem.


"I just want to do my part to ensure that my breasts aren't ignored," said Simpson, wearing a hot-pink own-breasts-awareness ribbon directly below her cleavage. "I cannot underestimate the terrible impact my breasts could have on my career if they are not visible at all times, whether appearing in a provocatively low-cut gown or string bikini in my next video, or even bare in an indie movie, which would be a particularly daring career move."

In addition to urging Americans to schedule regular examinations of her breasts, Simpson is also promoting the month of October as "Jessica Simpson's Breasts Awareness Month." During October, Simpson will sponsor the Breasts Awareness 5K Run, a braless fundraising event of which she will be the sole participant. Proceeds will go directly toward the upkeep and maintenance of Simpson's breasts, as well as toward research on how to treat and support them in the future.

In addition, Simpson will unveil an in-depth, educational website that provides visitors with a detailed, "virtual journey" in, through, and around her breasts. The site, Simpson said, will feature thousands of images highlighting the breasts' most important aspects, and will "hopefully dispel any myths that average American viewers might have believed about them."

Although Simpson's career is currently healthy, the singer said that it is crucial that her breasts reach as many people as possible now, so they will not be forgotten should other, larger breasts start developing on younger starlets and pop sensations.

"Already, major periodicals that were once dedicated to raising national awareness of my breasts are shifting their focus to less-important ones, such as those belonging to Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, and even Kristin Cavallari," Simpson said.

Drivers on I-405 in Los Angeles receive a public self-service message from Jessica Simpson.

At the end of her press conference, a solemn, pasties-clad Simpson admitted that, because of her family history, she knew that breasts would end up playing a large role in her life.

"My mom had breasts, and so did her mom, and her mother before her," Simpson said. "But the real tragedy is that they didn't realize that there was something you could do about it to bring them to the nation's attention. It may be too late for my mother and grandmother, but, with the right amount of support, lift, and separation, my breasts can become a national symbol for everything I represent."

"Luckily, my younger sister Ashlee had hers detected in the early stages of their development," Simpson added.

A free screening of Jessica Simpson's breasts will be held at the Warner Bros. Theater on Wilshire Boulevard this Friday at 11 p.m. Men and women ages 18 and over are encouraged to attend.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close