adBlockCheck

Celebrity Launches Own-Breasts Awareness Campaign

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Celebrity Launches Own-Breasts Awareness Campaign

LOS ANGELES—Amid growing personal concern that the subjects are not receiving enough national attention, singer–actress Jessica Simpson announced the launch Monday of an ambitious, multimillion-dollar campaign promoting awareness of her breasts.

Simpson draws attention to her cause at a recent gala event in Washington, D.C.

"Each year, millions of lives could be affected by my breasts," said Simpson at a press conference in Los Angeles. "People of all ages, colors, and creeds are susceptible to them. Now it's just a matter of getting them out there for everyone to see. It's time Americans truly recognized the full size and scope of this devastating rack."

According to Simpson, breasts are the leading cause of film careers among women ages 18 to 35. However, if agents and producers fail to screen them early and often, the resulting lack of public awareness could lead to a rapid deterioration of sexy roles and, eventually, a premature end to one's career.

Simpson noted the examples of Rachael Leigh Cook, Tiffani Thiessen, and Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose careers were tragically cut short due to this same problem.


"I just want to do my part to ensure that my breasts aren't ignored," said Simpson, wearing a hot-pink own-breasts-awareness ribbon directly below her cleavage. "I cannot underestimate the terrible impact my breasts could have on my career if they are not visible at all times, whether appearing in a provocatively low-cut gown or string bikini in my next video, or even bare in an indie movie, which would be a particularly daring career move."

In addition to urging Americans to schedule regular examinations of her breasts, Simpson is also promoting the month of October as "Jessica Simpson's Breasts Awareness Month." During October, Simpson will sponsor the Breasts Awareness 5K Run, a braless fundraising event of which she will be the sole participant. Proceeds will go directly toward the upkeep and maintenance of Simpson's breasts, as well as toward research on how to treat and support them in the future.

In addition, Simpson will unveil an in-depth, educational website that provides visitors with a detailed, "virtual journey" in, through, and around her breasts. The site, Simpson said, will feature thousands of images highlighting the breasts' most important aspects, and will "hopefully dispel any myths that average American viewers might have believed about them."

Although Simpson's career is currently healthy, the singer said that it is crucial that her breasts reach as many people as possible now, so they will not be forgotten should other, larger breasts start developing on younger starlets and pop sensations.

"Already, major periodicals that were once dedicated to raising national awareness of my breasts are shifting their focus to less-important ones, such as those belonging to Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, and even Kristin Cavallari," Simpson said.

Drivers on I-405 in Los Angeles receive a public self-service message from Jessica Simpson.

At the end of her press conference, a solemn, pasties-clad Simpson admitted that, because of her family history, she knew that breasts would end up playing a large role in her life.

"My mom had breasts, and so did her mom, and her mother before her," Simpson said. "But the real tragedy is that they didn't realize that there was something you could do about it to bring them to the nation's attention. It may be too late for my mother and grandmother, but, with the right amount of support, lift, and separation, my breasts can become a national symbol for everything I represent."

"Luckily, my younger sister Ashlee had hers detected in the early stages of their development," Simpson added.

A free screening of Jessica Simpson's breasts will be held at the Warner Bros. Theater on Wilshire Boulevard this Friday at 11 p.m. Men and women ages 18 and over are encouraged to attend.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close