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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Celebrity Smell-Alike Sweats Just Like Alec Baldwin

TOPEKA, KS—Friends, family, and workout partners of Ted Granding stated this week that the 35-year-old paralegal is a dead whiffer for popular film and television actor Alec Baldwin. "Seriously, if Ted and Alec came back from jogging together, you wouldn't be able to smell them apart," coworker Paul Eastman said. "I've seen people spin around because they think Alec Baldwin just walked in, and then look around the room in confusion. If there were an agency for people who smell famous, Ted could make a new career out of this." For his part, Granding said he did not smell the resemblance to Baldwin, though he claimed that from certain angles he smells like a cross between Sam Rockwell and Sigourney Weaver.

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