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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Celebrity Smell-Alike Sweats Just Like Alec Baldwin

TOPEKA, KS—Friends, family, and workout partners of Ted Granding stated this week that the 35-year-old paralegal is a dead whiffer for popular film and television actor Alec Baldwin. "Seriously, if Ted and Alec came back from jogging together, you wouldn't be able to smell them apart," coworker Paul Eastman said. "I've seen people spin around because they think Alec Baldwin just walked in, and then look around the room in confusion. If there were an agency for people who smell famous, Ted could make a new career out of this." For his part, Granding said he did not smell the resemblance to Baldwin, though he claimed that from certain angles he smells like a cross between Sam Rockwell and Sigourney Weaver.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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