Cell Phone Lost, Found, All In Thrilling Four-Minute Period

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Vol 41 Issue 05

Kool-Aid, Hi-C Make Backroom Deal To Destroy Tang

NORTHFIELD, IL—Executives for Kool-Aid and Hi-C met at an undisclosed location Monday to map out a plan to drive Tang out of business. "The tween market isn't big enough for three non-carbonated beverages," Kool-Aid CEO Robert Eckert told Hi-C executive Jason Frie. "Capri Sun and Sunny D play ball, but Tang won't budge. So we're gonna squeeze them so hard, even the astronauts won't drink it. Oh, yeah!" Bordon crushed out his cigarette and added, "I want you to stick it so deep in Tang's asshole, you make the Wyler's hit look like a movie date."

Immigrant Laborers Hired To Delete Spam

SAN DIEGO—Executives at Gortman Consulting are hiring immigrant day laborers to delete their junk e-mail. "Our employees were wasting hours of valuable time sifting through spam," Gortman CEO Donald Barris said Monday. "Finally, I was like, 'Eureka! Hire some low-cost Hispanic laborers to empty our Outlook Express trashcans.' Our IT van just swings by the docks in the morning and picks up a dozen or so guys." While Barris said the laborers are "happy for the work," labor-rights groups have complained that repeatedly pressing the delete key has caused numerous cases of carpal-tunnel syndrome among migrant spam removers.

Sex Life Embellished During Doctor Visit

DURANT, OK—During a routine physical Tuesday, Jason Gunder, 21, exaggerated his sexual exploits for the benefit of his physician, Dr. Stanley Pindel. "Unprotected intercourse? Sure, I have it all the time," Gunder said. "Partners? Thirty or something. I've had so many, I can't even remember." After nodding thoughtfully, Dr. Pindel told Gunder, "If you do actually ever have sex, please make sure to use a condom and a water-based spermicidal lubricant."

Son Attempts To Cultivate Parents' Interest In Better Movies

DOVER, DE—Marc Morehouse, 24, made another vain attempt to improve his parents' taste in movies Monday by taking them to see Sideways. "I know you guys thought Meet The Fockers sounded really funny, but maybe we should all give something a little different a try," Morehouse said to his parents Kirk and Doris as he bought three tickets at an area cineplex. "Dad, you like golf, right? And Mom drinks wine, so this movie is right up your alley. It'll be fun." After the show, Morehouse could not convince his parents to have dinner at a non-chain restaurant.

Jay-Z's Grandfather Busted With Trunk Full Of Canadian Prescription Drugs

BUFFALO, NY—Tyrone J. Carter, rap artist Jay-Z's 75-year-old grandfather, was arrested Monday for transporting prescription drugs across the Canadian border in the trunk of his 1998 Oldsmobile. "My grandson says I shouldn't have unlocked the trunk unless the cops had a warrant, but what's a man supposed to do?" said Carter, who was busted with more than $1,000 worth of pharmaceutical-grade Diovan, Lipitor, and Lanoxin. "Don't the police have anything better to do than hassle a sick old man? My insurance doesn't cover my pills anymore—I gotta get my heart medicine somewhere." The arresting officers said the pills had a U.S.-pharmacy value of nearly $18,000.

The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time!

Item! The Golden Globes recently took place, answering the question "Who will the foreign press honor this year?" Well, how's Hillary Duff for starters? She won Best Actress for A Million Dollar Smile, where she plays a boxer. She sure did grow up fast! Meanwhile, Jamie Fox won Best Black Actor, and rightly so. His speech alone was worth the award! From a Jackie to a Jamie: Way to go!
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Cell Phone Lost, Found, All In Thrilling Four-Minute Period

PITTSBURGH, PA—Emotions quickly changed from panic to joy for University of Pittsburgh junior Evelyn Labaton when she lost, searched for, and found her Nokia 6230 Cingular Wireless cell phone Tuesday.

Labaton holds the phone she nearly lost.

"All of a sudden, my phone was gone!" said Labaton, 20, who was walking to her 5:10 General Chemistry lecture when she realized the cell phone was no longer in her right pants pocket. "I was like, 'Oh shit!' I looked through my coat and dug through my entire backpack, but it wasn't anywhere."

By the time Labaton completed her search, 48 seconds had passed.

"My heart was racing," Labaton said. "I mentally went through all of the places I'd been since leaving English Lit: the bathroom on the third floor, the bench out in front of Daniel Hall, the bike racks where I saw my friend Shelly."

Continued Labaton: "I stopped right there in the middle of the sidewalk for a few seconds, took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and tried to think. That's when I remembered taking it out to see what time it was when I was at the Java Cup!"

Scanning the ground for any sign of her small, blue camera-phone as she walked, Labaton retraced the 200 feet back to the Java Cup, an on-campus coffee shop.

"All the way, I was visualizing the hours it would take to enter all my phone numbers into a new phone," Labaton said. "And that's for the ones I remember. A lot of the numbers would be totally gone forever."

Labaton added that she hadn't "even [wanted] to think about" all the ring tones and camera-phone photos she'd lose.

With the search entering its second minute, Labaton went into the coffee shop, where she said she saw the dirty plate and glass she'd left in the bus station a few minutes before, after consuming a large skim latté and a poppy-seed bagel.

As the search dragged on into its 200th second, Labaton said she continued to consider the magnitude of the hassle that a lost cell phone would create.

"I knew I wouldn't have time to shop for a new phone until the weekend, so I'd be phoneless for a few days," Labaton said. "Also, I'd been considering whether to switch from Cingular Wireless to another carrier, but I really didn't want to have to rush that decision."

Labaton went to the table where she'd been sitting, tapped the shoulder of one of the two females seated there, and asked permission to look around for her phone.

"Oh, is that it?" the woman said, and Labaton spotted her familiar blue phone under a chair.

"I was like, 'Yes!'" Labaton said. "Every ounce of stress drained from my body."

According to Labaton, it was only when she located the cell phone that she noticed her clenched teeth, tensed neck muscles, and sweaty palms.

"I let all that tension go," Labaton said. "It was a magical feeling."

Labaton thanked the woman at the table and returned the cell phone to her pocket.

"God, was I relieved," Labaton said. "I really didn't know if I'd be able to find the phone."

Labaton slipped into the back row in her 120-person chemistry lecture and tried to catch her breath. Slumped in her seat, she said she scanned the faces of her classmates as they leafed through notebooks, chatted, and laughed.

"The other students had no idea what I'd just been through," Labaton said. "It was such a relief when Professor Butte started class, so I could zone out and try to forget the whole thing."

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