Cell Phone Lost, Found, All In Thrilling Four-Minute Period

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Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Cell Phone Lost, Found, All In Thrilling Four-Minute Period

PITTSBURGH, PA—Emotions quickly changed from panic to joy for University of Pittsburgh junior Evelyn Labaton when she lost, searched for, and found her Nokia 6230 Cingular Wireless cell phone Tuesday.

Labaton holds the phone she nearly lost.

"All of a sudden, my phone was gone!" said Labaton, 20, who was walking to her 5:10 General Chemistry lecture when she realized the cell phone was no longer in her right pants pocket. "I was like, 'Oh shit!' I looked through my coat and dug through my entire backpack, but it wasn't anywhere."

By the time Labaton completed her search, 48 seconds had passed.

"My heart was racing," Labaton said. "I mentally went through all of the places I'd been since leaving English Lit: the bathroom on the third floor, the bench out in front of Daniel Hall, the bike racks where I saw my friend Shelly."

Continued Labaton: "I stopped right there in the middle of the sidewalk for a few seconds, took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and tried to think. That's when I remembered taking it out to see what time it was when I was at the Java Cup!"

Scanning the ground for any sign of her small, blue camera-phone as she walked, Labaton retraced the 200 feet back to the Java Cup, an on-campus coffee shop.

"All the way, I was visualizing the hours it would take to enter all my phone numbers into a new phone," Labaton said. "And that's for the ones I remember. A lot of the numbers would be totally gone forever."

Labaton added that she hadn't "even [wanted] to think about" all the ring tones and camera-phone photos she'd lose.

With the search entering its second minute, Labaton went into the coffee shop, where she said she saw the dirty plate and glass she'd left in the bus station a few minutes before, after consuming a large skim latté and a poppy-seed bagel.

As the search dragged on into its 200th second, Labaton said she continued to consider the magnitude of the hassle that a lost cell phone would create.

"I knew I wouldn't have time to shop for a new phone until the weekend, so I'd be phoneless for a few days," Labaton said. "Also, I'd been considering whether to switch from Cingular Wireless to another carrier, but I really didn't want to have to rush that decision."

Labaton went to the table where she'd been sitting, tapped the shoulder of one of the two females seated there, and asked permission to look around for her phone.

"Oh, is that it?" the woman said, and Labaton spotted her familiar blue phone under a chair.

"I was like, 'Yes!'" Labaton said. "Every ounce of stress drained from my body."

According to Labaton, it was only when she located the cell phone that she noticed her clenched teeth, tensed neck muscles, and sweaty palms.

"I let all that tension go," Labaton said. "It was a magical feeling."

Labaton thanked the woman at the table and returned the cell phone to her pocket.

"God, was I relieved," Labaton said. "I really didn't know if I'd be able to find the phone."

Labaton slipped into the back row in her 120-person chemistry lecture and tried to catch her breath. Slumped in her seat, she said she scanned the faces of her classmates as they leafed through notebooks, chatted, and laughed.

"The other students had no idea what I'd just been through," Labaton said. "It was such a relief when Professor Butte started class, so I could zone out and try to forget the whole thing."