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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Cell Phone Stuck In 2-Year Contract With Local Man

LAS CRUCES, NM—Though it has been the victim of rampant physical and verbal abuse and feels terrorized by its demanding, possessive partner, a local Samsung SPH-M300 mobile phone cannot get out of its two-year contract with area man Alex Toth. Eyewitnesses have reported seeing Toth, 28, lose his temper and shout at the phone on multiple occasions, often slamming it shut and calling it obscene names. "Sadly, we see this sort of thing all the time," said Peter Lishchenko, a repair specialist with Samsung who has taken the phone in three times in the past six months. "They say they accidentally dropped it down the stairs or whatever, but you know something else is going on." When reached for comment, the SPH-M300 said that Alex Toth is not available and to please press '1' or wait for the tone to leave a message.

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