adBlockCheck

Cell Phone Stuck In 2-Year Contract With Local Man

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Cell Phone Stuck In 2-Year Contract With Local Man

LAS CRUCES, NM—Though it has been the victim of rampant physical and verbal abuse and feels terrorized by its demanding, possessive partner, a local Samsung SPH-M300 mobile phone cannot get out of its two-year contract with area man Alex Toth. Eyewitnesses have reported seeing Toth, 28, lose his temper and shout at the phone on multiple occasions, often slamming it shut and calling it obscene names. "Sadly, we see this sort of thing all the time," said Peter Lishchenko, a repair specialist with Samsung who has taken the phone in three times in the past six months. "They say they accidentally dropped it down the stairs or whatever, but you know something else is going on." When reached for comment, the SPH-M300 said that Alex Toth is not available and to please press '1' or wait for the tone to leave a message.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close