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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Cell Phone Stuck In 2-Year Contract With Local Man

LAS CRUCES, NM—Though it has been the victim of rampant physical and verbal abuse and feels terrorized by its demanding, possessive partner, a local Samsung SPH-M300 mobile phone cannot get out of its two-year contract with area man Alex Toth. Eyewitnesses have reported seeing Toth, 28, lose his temper and shout at the phone on multiple occasions, often slamming it shut and calling it obscene names. "Sadly, we see this sort of thing all the time," said Peter Lishchenko, a repair specialist with Samsung who has taken the phone in three times in the past six months. "They say they accidentally dropped it down the stairs or whatever, but you know something else is going on." When reached for comment, the SPH-M300 said that Alex Toth is not available and to please press '1' or wait for the tone to leave a message.

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