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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Census Finds Enough Homeless People Living In Public Library To Warrant Congressional District

BOSTON—According to data gathered during the 2010 census, the Honan-Allston branch of the Boston Public Library has a homeless population large enough to justify becoming Massachusetts' 11th congressional district, the U.S. Census Bureau announced Tuesday. "In addition to the destitute citizens who have long sought shelter here, the ongoing recession has forced hundreds of newly homeless Americans to seek refuge among the library's shelves," said bureau spokesman Mark Higgs, adding that a shantytown constructed by a Los Angeles overpass had recently been named its own school district. "The nonfiction section alone is in desperate need of a representative voice in the U.S. Congress." Though the new district has not yet been certified by the state, several leading candidates have already emerged on a more-toilet-paper-in-the-ladies'-room platform.

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