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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Center Worried He Did Something To Make Quarterback Call So Many Shotgun Formations

EUGENE, OR—Oregon Ducks center Jordan Holmes expressed concern Saturday that he may have said or done something to make sophomore quarterback Darron Thomas call so many shotgun formations in the Ducks' 37-20 win over Oregon State. "Darron and I fought a little at practice earlier in the week, but I could have sworn everything was fine," said Holmes, adding that the only other thing it could be was his bumping into Thomas before the team's pregame meal, but Holmes had said he was sorry and Thomas reportedly seemed to acknowledge it was an accident. "Should I apologize? I don't think I did anything, though… I should probably apologize." Thomas later told reporters that, yes, he did call so many shotgun formations because he was mad at his center, and the reason Holmes didn't know why was half the problem.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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