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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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CEO Has Female Sex Organs

RALEIGH, NC—Stockholders and board members of telecommunications giant Cyntex Industries were startled to learn Monday that company CEO Susan Nelbman has both female genitalia and engorged mammary glands. “This is a startling discovery,” Cyntex Vice President Myron Tanner said. “But in these enlightened times, we accept the freakish deformities of Mr. Nelbman, and will not discriminate against him based on his ungodly effeminate appearance.” According to company physician Hal Steohen there is no medical explanation for how a man could develop such characteristics. Nelbman, who sometimes dresses in skirts, has issued a company-wide statement explaining that she is not a man, but a woman. Board members, according to Tennenbaum, “had a good laugh at down at the gentlemen’s club.”

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