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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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CEO Spends 30 Percent Of Earnings Staying Out Of Jail

NEW YORK—Bellcroft Industries CEO Robert M. Burdick said Monday that he spends up to 30 percent of his $2.4 million salary keeping himself out of jail. "Accountants who can hide illegal profits and lawyers who know how to set up off-shore companies don't come cheap," Burdick said. "My recent 20 percent raise isn't that great when you consider how many people I have to pay to keep me out of prison." In addition to losing 30 percent off the top each year, Burdick spends 5 percent of his income on taxes.

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