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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

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It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.
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CEO's Success Credited To Unbelievable Handshake

SAN DIEGO—Garrett Maddox, born to a working-class family living on the South Side of Chicago, started out at the bottom, but has quickly worked his way up the corporate ladder. A youthful 34, he was recently named chief executive officer of telecommunications-research giant Qualcomm, and has already headed up 11 Fortune 500 companies, ranging from Safeco Insurance to United Technologies. The key to his outstanding success? An unbelievable handshake.

Maddox flexes his fingers in anticipation of his next life-changing handshake.

"Some people are born with an intuitive business sense, unwavering drive, or the ability to make quick decisions," Maddox said. "I don't know much about any of that. What God gave me is perfectly aligned knuckles, a pleasingly temperate palm, and a divinely firm grip."

Maddox, who in March was named as one the five greatest corporate handshakers by Forbes magazine, first demonstrated his abilities at his high-school graduation ceremony, when, upon shaking his principal's hand, he was immediately promoted to class valedictorian. Since then, the handshake, alternately described by colleagues as "incredible" and "an unforgettable, life-altering experience," has earned Maddox high-ranking positions at Cisco, ConAgra, Kroger, and Morgan Stanley—all companies Maddox had never even heard of before being put in charge.

According to Maddox's biography, Put 'Er There, the Chicago native began practicing his handshake at an early age. After rejecting several business-school scholarships he had won by shaking the hands of admissions directors across the country, he decided instead to travel the world. Armed only with a week's worth of three-piece suits and a single leather briefcase, Maddox set out to shake hands.

"He knew that a 'good' handshake wasn't enough," his father Geoffrey Maddox said. "He knew that to be one of the greats, he had to develop his gift."

His handshake-refining journey took him to India, where he visited temple after temple of Buddhist monks, shaking hands for up to 20 hours a day. Finally, when he had learned all he could, he returned to the United States at the still-young age of 23. With one of the most powerful and confidence-inspiring grips in the world, he pursued his life's goal: the acquisition of material power and wealth on an almost unimaginable scale.

"From that first pump, I knew I trusted Garrett," said Charles Stinsen, chairman of the Xerox Corporation, who hired Maddox to be CEO after a single job interview. "As the handshake continued, I began to feel the collective memory of the human race stir in the deepest recesses of my mind. This handshake is beyond the merely strong. Maddox combines all the qualities of history's greatest handshakers—the strength of Mussolini, the warmth of Clinton, the textbook release of John Wayne—and he maintains meticulous eye contact throughout."

"Even though he referred to Xerox as 'the Post-It Note company' for months after his hiring, he was definitely the man for the job," Stinsen added.

Another business associate, Mark Cosgrove, described Maddox as "a man who has no ideas or vision whatsoever, yet whose ability to climb the corporate ladder at previously unimagined speeds is nothing short of astounding."

"It is truly a singular honor to know him," Cosgrove added.

Today, Maddox is one of the most successful CEOs in America. And his handshake continues to improve, as he masters innovative new techniques, such as the "enveloper," the "in from above," and the "three-pump and quick-drop."

Maddox said that while his handshake has gotten him into several high-paying jobs, it has also gotten him out of numerous jams. As CFO of Kmart in 1998, Maddox's poorly managed underlings engaged in questionable bookkeeping, prompting an investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission.

"They had everyone nervous, including me," Maddox said. "But after I carefully washed my hands and introduced myself to the lead auditor with one of my 'quick clasps,' complete with double shoulder-pat, he not only dropped the case, he sent me a letter of apology and bought 100 shares of company stock."

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