Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content
End Of Section
  • More News

Cereal Commercial Completely Neglects Showing Numerous Life Problems Character Faces Beyond Breakfast

BOISE, ID—Displaying a single-minded focus on the benefits of eating a delicious and wholesome morning meal, a television commercial for Special K that appeared today reportedly failed to depict any of the many life problems its protagonist might face outside breakfast. “This commercial talks about breakfast like it’s the only thing that’s going on in this woman’s life, when for all we know she could be struggling with a wide range of deep seated problems that a cereal fortified with essential vitamins and nutrients would honestly not even begin to address,” said viewer Beth Cavanaugh of the 30-second advertisement, in which a mother remarks that “finding a healthy cereal [her] kids will actually eat is hard” while entirely omitting any mention of the professional, social, medical, or financial issues unrelated to breakfast that she is likely confronting. “Sure, it’s important to eat well in the morning, but it’s also important to earn a living, support your community, find the right work-life balance, feel validated, and maintain healthy relationships with the people you love, and this woman is likely just barely keeping her head above water on all of this stuff. And yet the commercial doesn’t address any of that—it just has this obsessive tunnel vision for breakfast.” Sources also noted that throughout the ad, the woman appears to pour milk onto the cereal for a good 12 to 15 seconds.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.