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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Champ Bailey

Cornerback, Denver Broncos

Strengths: Always introduces self to receiver at start of each play; Can turn a terrible defense into only a sort of terrible defense; Prevents separation by relying on safety to carry him after receiver

Weakness: Remembers intercepting a pass from Troy Aikman

Claim To Fame: Is a professional athlete

Speed: Swiftly turns head to watch receivers running downfield

Style Of Play: Slow veteran who can be easily beat

Lifelong Dream: Winning AFC Championship

Favorite Coverage Type: Blown

NEXT: Terrance Knighton

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