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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Champ Bailey

Cornerback, Denver Broncos

Strengths: Always introduces self to receiver at start of each play; Can turn a terrible defense into only a sort of terrible defense; Prevents separation by relying on safety to carry him after receiver

Weakness: Remembers intercepting a pass from Troy Aikman

Claim To Fame: Is a professional athlete

Speed: Swiftly turns head to watch receivers running downfield

Style Of Play: Slow veteran who can be easily beat

Lifelong Dream: Winning AFC Championship

Favorite Coverage Type: Blown

NEXT: Terrance Knighton

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