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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Champ Bailey

Cornerback, Denver Broncos

Strengths: Always introduces self to receiver at start of each play; Can turn a terrible defense into only a sort of terrible defense; Prevents separation by relying on safety to carry him after receiver

Weakness: Remembers intercepting a pass from Troy Aikman

Claim To Fame: Is a professional athlete

Speed: Swiftly turns head to watch receivers running downfield

Style Of Play: Slow veteran who can be easily beat

Lifelong Dream: Winning AFC Championship

Favorite Coverage Type: Blown

NEXT: Terrance Knighton

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