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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Changing Channel On Local Bar's TV More Of A Process Than Area Man Anticipated

CHEYENNE, WY—Although no one at the Bleachers Bar and Grill seemed to be paying attention to the television set, the act of getting bartender Brian Smith to press a button on a remote control and change its channel was somehow far more difficult than patron Arthur Klein had anticipated. "Boy, I don't know, that's going to be tough," Smith said following the simple, straightforward request. "That one's on the satellite and I don't really know how to use it. Plus some of the regulars might drop by a little later and they'll probably want to watch the ball game." When pressed again to change the channel, Smith reportedly told Klein that the bar didn't carry CBS.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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