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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Changing Channel On Local Bar's TV More Of A Process Than Area Man Anticipated

CHEYENNE, WY—Although no one at the Bleachers Bar and Grill seemed to be paying attention to the television set, the act of getting bartender Brian Smith to press a button on a remote control and change its channel was somehow far more difficult than patron Arthur Klein had anticipated. "Boy, I don't know, that's going to be tough," Smith said following the simple, straightforward request. "That one's on the satellite and I don't really know how to use it. Plus some of the regulars might drop by a little later and they'll probably want to watch the ball game." When pressed again to change the channel, Smith reportedly told Klein that the bar didn't carry CBS.

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