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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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'Chapter 1: Clark,' Reports Awful Manuscript

NEW YORK—An absolutely terrible manuscript written by local aspiring novelist Brandon Heath reported today that “Chapter 1: Clark.” “It was late autumn, the leaves on the trees were a brilliant, blazing red, and Clark Thurman was gazing at the passerby just outside his apartment window,” continued the just awful first draft of Heath’s 80,000-word book, The Final Light, which according to its author details the interlocking fortunes of three strangers living in 1950s Manhattan and which sources confirmed is very bad. “For a moment, Clark thought he heard Mary call his name from the kitchen, but then he remembered school was back in session and the woman he loved had returned to her studies at Swarthmore, leaving him here, alone. This time of year often saw Clark fall into such melancholy thoughts.” At press time, Heath’s thinly sketched character was rushing to respond to an unexpected knock on the front door of his apartment.

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