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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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'Chapter 1: Clark,' Reports Awful Manuscript

NEW YORK—An absolutely terrible manuscript written by local aspiring novelist Brandon Heath reported today that “Chapter 1: Clark.” “It was late autumn, the leaves on the trees were a brilliant, blazing red, and Clark Thurman was gazing at the passerby just outside his apartment window,” continued the just awful first draft of Heath’s 80,000-word book, The Final Light, which according to its author details the interlocking fortunes of three strangers living in 1950s Manhattan and which sources confirmed is very bad. “For a moment, Clark thought he heard Mary call his name from the kitchen, but then he remembered school was back in session and the woman he loved had returned to her studies at Swarthmore, leaving him here, alone. This time of year often saw Clark fall into such melancholy thoughts.” At press time, Heath’s thinly sketched character was rushing to respond to an unexpected knock on the front door of his apartment.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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