adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Charles Barkley Finally Gets That Blow Job

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Weeks after being arrested for driving under the influence while seeking out oral sex from a certain particularly skilled partner, NBA legend and basketball analyst Charles Barkley was finally able to drive across town, meet said partner under favorable circumstances, and obtain the blow job in question, Barkley said yesterday.

"Whew!" a visibly relieved Barkley told reporters in a press conference held immediately after the act. "Oh, man. Oh, man! I mean, seriously, I needed that. I needed that one bad, after what happened the first time I tried to get a blow job. And I am so glad that is all over with so I can get it behind me and just move on."

"Damn, man, I'm telling you, that was one seriously high-quality blow job," added Barkley, leaning forward in his seat to yawn and crack his neck. "Drinking or not drinking, there's no mystery why I was in such a hurry to get that taken care of when they pulled me over last month. Now, if there's no questions, I'm going to go get me some eggs. I could eat a ton of scrambled eggs right now."

During the 45-minute post-blow-job press conference, Barkley took pains to emphasize that he had been completely sober before, during, and after receiving the blow job and was at no time driving in an unsafe manner.

"In fact, I went round my car about four times, checking to see were my tires inflated, were my taillights working, were my turn signals working, all that," said Barkley, noting that the full service history of his black Infiniti SUV would be open to reporters in order to demonstrate that he had driven a roadworthy vehicle to the site of the blow job. "I had a full tank of gas, recent oil change, spare tire inflated, plates and registration and insurance all up to date just in case I got pulled over. I wasn't going to get arrested on my way to this blow job, no way."

Barkley also stressed that he had not received the blow job while operating his vehicle.

"You got to understand, man, this particular girl? She gives me a blow job when I'm driving, that's it, huge accident, explosion probably, hundreds dead," Barkley said while miming steering motions with his left hand while his holding his right hand at chest level with his palm down, as if gently grasping the back of a person's head and bobbing it slowly up and down over his lap. "She's just that good at blow jobs."

"Understand, she was right there in the car with me last time I got pulled over, and see, that was part of the problem. I was just going to get around the corner and get the blow job, but that was a mistake, because I ran that stop sign and the cop, the arresting officer, he then noticed I was drunk."

"Oh, also, I shouldn't have been drinking and driving, naturally," said Barkley, who demonstrated drinking motions with the hand not bobbing over his lap. "But I wouldn't have even been driving if that girl didn't give blow jobs that good. Amazing, really spectacular blow jobs."

"I should also say that I shouldn't have had the gun in the car with me like that," Barkley continued. "Can you imagine if it'd gone off during the blow job? But you know, when you're on your way to get a really good blow job, it's amazing what you let slide."

Barkley concluded the press conference by apologizing to his friends and family, his employers at TNT Sports, and the companies for which he had been a paid endorser before his drunk-driving-to-a-blow-job arrest.

"I'm just glad I had the chance to set the record straight," Barkley said. "I wish there was a way for people to know how truly sorry I am that this all happened, and how very, very happy I am that I finally got that blow job. Which, I'm serious, was goddamned amazing."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close