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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Charles Barkley Openly Gambling On College Games During CBS Halftime Report

NEW YORK—Following the first half of Thursday’s Sweet 16 matchup between the University of Dayton and Stanford University, sources confirmed that college basketball commentator Charles Barkley was observed blatantly gambling on the outcome of NCAA Tournament games throughout the CBS halftime report. “Hey, Red, lemme get 20 large on UCLA with the points, and a dime on San Diego straight up, okay?” the retired NBA star said in a cell phone conversation as cameras rolled in CBS’ broadcast studio, moments after having told a previous caller, “You don’t need to do that; I’m good for it, I swear.” “Man, these kids better get their act together, or I’m going to take a big hit. Good thing Baylor’s a lock against Wisconsin, otherwise I’d be in huge trouble. Hey, who you got in the Louisville game, Ernie?” According to viewers, Barkley then added that he was excited to collect on his numerous wagers, as the winnings represented “some prime blow job money.”

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