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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Charles Barkley Openly Gambling On College Games During CBS Halftime Report

NEW YORK—Following the first half of Thursday’s Sweet 16 matchup between the University of Dayton and Stanford University, sources confirmed that college basketball commentator Charles Barkley was observed blatantly gambling on the outcome of NCAA Tournament games throughout the CBS halftime report. “Hey, Red, lemme get 20 large on UCLA with the points, and a dime on San Diego straight up, okay?” the retired NBA star said in a cell phone conversation as cameras rolled in CBS’ broadcast studio, moments after having told a previous caller, “You don’t need to do that; I’m good for it, I swear.” “Man, these kids better get their act together, or I’m going to take a big hit. Good thing Baylor’s a lock against Wisconsin, otherwise I’d be in huge trouble. Hey, who you got in the Louisville game, Ernie?” According to viewers, Barkley then added that he was excited to collect on his numerous wagers, as the winnings represented “some prime blow job money.”

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