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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Charles Barkley: ‘There Were Only Ever 3 Straight NBA Players’

CHICAGO — During Monday’s pregame broadcast, TNT basketball analyst and NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley confirmed that there have been only three straight players in the history of the league: himself and two of his former Phoenix Suns teammates. "So there was me, obviously, Kevin Johnson, and I'm pretty sure Dan Majerle was mostly straight," said Barkley, adding that Wilt Chamberlain had sex with at least twice as many men as women. "George Mikan, Michael Jordan, Jerry West, the entire Detroit Pistons roster under Chuck Daley, Chuck Daley, James Worthy, which is a no-brainer once you meet the guy, Derrick Coleman, and everyone else—all card-carrying friends of Dorothy. I’ll say this, if you want to see gay in all its glory, enter an NBA locker room. There is no more gay-friendly place on earth.” Barkley's controversial statement comes on the heels of another incident just two days earlier, when Kevin McHale, upon being asked about Joakim Noah's use of an antigay slur, responded by passionately kissing TNT commentator Kenny Smith until the channel broke to commercial.

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