adBlockCheck

Charles Woodson

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Charles Woodson

STRENGTHS: Won the Heisman Trophy, which, come to think of it, has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on this game; unique ability to line-up anywhere on the field except, for some reason, the 36-yard line; disguises blitz by dropping back into coverage right after he sacks the quarterback

WEAKNESSES: Always trying to do Heisman Trophy pose in midair while jumping up to intercept ball; cannot be in two places at once, which is unfortunately crucial to the Packers' zone-coverage schemes; catlike reflexes and instincts actually a huge detriment considering cats are terrified by running men and thrown footballs

INTANGIBLES: Woodson adds an element to this team that is nearly impossible to explain, so we won't

PLAYING STYLE: Laid-back hip-hop with jazzy hard-bop influences

REAL MOTIVATION FOR WANTING TO VISIT WHITE HOUSE: President must be warned of something crucial to future of the nation, and Woodson cannot reach him through standard diplomatic channels

NEXT: Clay Matthews

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close