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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Charlie Batch Totally Embarrassed After Almost Losing To Joe Flacco

PITTSBURGH—Steelers third-string quarterback Charlie Batch told reporters Wednesday that he still felt completely humiliated by the shame of nearly losing to Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco in week 13. “Oh my God, I can’t believe that I had to put together a 61-yard drive in the closing minutes just to beat Joe Flacco,” said the absolutely mortified 38-year-old, who has recorded 61 touchdowns and 52 interceptions during a NFL career spent almost entirely as a backup. “That could have been the last game I ever started or even played in. If you lose to Joe Flacco, you know it’s all over. There’s just no way you can call yourself a pro quarterback after that.” Ravens wide receiver Anquan Boldin expressed empathy for Batch, admitting that he often feels totally embarrassed to be seen in the same huddle as Joe Flacco.

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