adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Charlie Batch Totally Embarrassed After Almost Losing To Joe Flacco

PITTSBURGH—Steelers third-string quarterback Charlie Batch told reporters Wednesday that he still felt completely humiliated by the shame of nearly losing to Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco in week 13. “Oh my God, I can’t believe that I had to put together a 61-yard drive in the closing minutes just to beat Joe Flacco,” said the absolutely mortified 38-year-old, who has recorded 61 touchdowns and 52 interceptions during a NFL career spent almost entirely as a backup. “That could have been the last game I ever started or even played in. If you lose to Joe Flacco, you know it’s all over. There’s just no way you can call yourself a pro quarterback after that.” Ravens wide receiver Anquan Boldin expressed empathy for Batch, admitting that he often feels totally embarrassed to be seen in the same huddle as Joe Flacco.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close