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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Charlie Weis Called Before Christ To Discuss Future With Notre Dame

SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God and president of Notre Dame football's Booster Club, announced yesterday that head coach Charlie Weis will appear before Him to discuss his future, if any, as coach of the Fighting Irish. "I, like many Notre Dame fans, am disappointed in Weis, and his day of judgment has surely come," Christ, His eyes flashing with righteous flame, said at the Sunday morning press conference. "Escorted by the angelic host and by [Notre Dame athletic director] Jack Swarbrick, I shall sit upon My heavenly throne Monday and, in all My glory, meet with Coach Weis. I am a fair and loving God, and I have always said that the souls of the righteous shall rise to national championships; but also shall the evildoers, like Bob Davie and Gerry Faust, be condemned for all eternity." When asked about the untimely smiting of former coach Tyrone Willingham, Christ said He had no comment, asked for the questioner's name, and left.

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