adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Charlie Weis Called Before Christ To Discuss Future With Notre Dame

SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God and president of Notre Dame football's Booster Club, announced yesterday that head coach Charlie Weis will appear before Him to discuss his future, if any, as coach of the Fighting Irish. "I, like many Notre Dame fans, am disappointed in Weis, and his day of judgment has surely come," Christ, His eyes flashing with righteous flame, said at the Sunday morning press conference. "Escorted by the angelic host and by [Notre Dame athletic director] Jack Swarbrick, I shall sit upon My heavenly throne Monday and, in all My glory, meet with Coach Weis. I am a fair and loving God, and I have always said that the souls of the righteous shall rise to national championships; but also shall the evildoers, like Bob Davie and Gerry Faust, be condemned for all eternity." When asked about the untimely smiting of former coach Tyrone Willingham, Christ said He had no comment, asked for the questioner's name, and left.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close