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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Charlize Theron Hired To Ride Struggling Cleveland Light Rail System Monday Through Friday

CLEVELAND—As part of an ongoing effort to rejuvenate its public transportation system, the Greater Cleveland Regional Transit Authority announced Wednesday that it had signed a three-year, $32 million deal hiring Academy Award–winning actress Charlize Theron to ride the city's light-rail lines eight hours a day, Monday through Friday. "Each work week, Ms. Theron will bring the glitz and glamour of a Hollywood movie premiere right to Cleveland's own RTA Rapid Transit trains," spokesperson Ted Reardon said of the agreement, which will also require the 36-year-old Hancock star to use Cleveland's public buses for 14 consecutive hours on the third Saturday of every month. "Who knows? You might just see Charlize on the Red Line, the Blue Line, or sleeping on a wooden bench in the Tower City station!" This latest initiative reportedly builds on the Cleveland water service's recent awareness program, which largely involved paying Alfred Molina to swim laps in the central reservoir.

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