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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Charlize Theron Hired To Ride Struggling Cleveland Light Rail System Monday Through Friday

CLEVELAND—As part of an ongoing effort to rejuvenate its public transportation system, the Greater Cleveland Regional Transit Authority announced Wednesday that it had signed a three-year, $32 million deal hiring Academy Award–winning actress Charlize Theron to ride the city's light-rail lines eight hours a day, Monday through Friday. "Each work week, Ms. Theron will bring the glitz and glamour of a Hollywood movie premiere right to Cleveland's own RTA Rapid Transit trains," spokesperson Ted Reardon said of the agreement, which will also require the 36-year-old Hancock star to use Cleveland's public buses for 14 consecutive hours on the third Saturday of every month. "Who knows? You might just see Charlize on the Red Line, the Blue Line, or sleeping on a wooden bench in the Tower City station!" This latest initiative reportedly builds on the Cleveland water service's recent awareness program, which largely involved paying Alfred Molina to swim laps in the central reservoir.

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