Charlton Heston Gets Serious

In This Section

Vol 29 Issue 23

Special Olympics Fixed

A secret investigation sent shock waves across the sports world yesterday, when it revealed that the Special Olympics, one of the nation's premier annual athletic competitions, is fixed. [image:50101] According to the undercover...

New Secretary to Personalize Workspace

MINNEAPOLIS—U.S. Bureau of Departmental Operations secretary Helen Lastrom, 38, is slated to personalize her workplace, a six-foot square cubicle delineated by three grayish-brown office dividers, in the Bureau’s Minneapolis office this week. Her plans in...

Tyrannical African Despot Installs Suggestion Box

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In a move Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali is hailing as “a major step forward” for democracy in Africa, the United Nations announced Monday that Sudan’s repressive President, General Kolimba Djimasta, has agreed to install a sugges...

Quincy Suspects Murder

LOS ANGELES—Forensic examiner Quincy announced today that he believes a John Doe brought to him by police detectives was murdered, and not dead of natural causes as ruled by the county coroner. “It is not often that I suspect foul p...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Personal Finance

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Charlton Heston Gets Serious

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After a quarter century of wacky, lighthearted comedy roles, veteran actor Charlton Heston has accepted a part in a Biblical epic to air on TNT. “I have spent my entire career doing pratfalls and mugging for the camera,” Heston said. “Now I intend to wipe the smirk off my face and go deep into a serious, dramatic role.” In the cable epic, tentatively titled The Story of the Holy Bible, Heston will play the Old Testament character Yahew. When asked if he expects the switch to be challenging, Heston yelled, “Get your paws off me, you damned, dirty apes!”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More