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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Charlton Heston Gets Serious

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After a quarter century of wacky, lighthearted comedy roles, veteran actor Charlton Heston has accepted a part in a Biblical epic to air on TNT. “I have spent my entire career doing pratfalls and mugging for the camera,” Heston said. “Now I intend to wipe the smirk off my face and go deep into a serious, dramatic role.” In the cable epic, tentatively titled The Story of the Holy Bible, Heston will play the Old Testament character Yahew. When asked if he expects the switch to be challenging, Heston yelled, “Get your paws off me, you damned, dirty apes!”

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