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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Chase Utley Feels Phillies Teammates Already Like Cliff Lee More Than Him

PHILADELPHIA—Despite having been with the team for more than six years, visibly upset Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley told reporters Monday that he can sense his teammates prefer the company of recent acquisition Cliff Lee to his own. "I really don't get it with these guys. I really don't," Utley said while first baseman Ryan Howard showed Lee around the clubhouse. "You see that? Ryan never puts his arm around me. Never. It's been five fucking years. He should be wanting me to put my arm around him." According to Phillies sources, when Utley approached his teammates and asked what more he needed to do, shortstop Jimmy Rollins said that "this," referring to Utley's approach and demeanor, "is definitely part of the problem."

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