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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Chase Utley Feels Phillies Teammates Already Like Cliff Lee More Than Him

PHILADELPHIA—Despite having been with the team for more than six years, visibly upset Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley told reporters Monday that he can sense his teammates prefer the company of recent acquisition Cliff Lee to his own. "I really don't get it with these guys. I really don't," Utley said while first baseman Ryan Howard showed Lee around the clubhouse. "You see that? Ryan never puts his arm around me. Never. It's been five fucking years. He should be wanting me to put my arm around him." According to Phillies sources, when Utley approached his teammates and asked what more he needed to do, shortstop Jimmy Rollins said that "this," referring to Utley's approach and demeanor, "is definitely part of the problem."

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