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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Chase Utley Feels Phillies Teammates Already Like Cliff Lee More Than Him

PHILADELPHIA—Despite having been with the team for more than six years, visibly upset Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley told reporters Monday that he can sense his teammates prefer the company of recent acquisition Cliff Lee to his own. "I really don't get it with these guys. I really don't," Utley said while first baseman Ryan Howard showed Lee around the clubhouse. "You see that? Ryan never puts his arm around me. Never. It's been five fucking years. He should be wanting me to put my arm around him." According to Phillies sources, when Utley approached his teammates and asked what more he needed to do, shortstop Jimmy Rollins said that "this," referring to Utley's approach and demeanor, "is definitely part of the problem."

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