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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Chase Utley Takes Seventh-Inning Stretch Too Seriously, Report Teammates

PHILADELPHIA—After Monday night's game against the Florida Marlins, several of Chase Utley's Phillies teammates told reporters that the All-Star second baseman might be growing "obsessed" with stretching properly and singing in key during the seventh-inning stretch. "He insists that if you don't stretch every major muscle group at that exact moment in time, you risk pulling something," said shortstop Jimmy Rollins, who claimed Utley often forces the entire team to re-sing "Take Me Out to The Ballgame" if they don't perform the song in correct four-part harmony the first time. "Give me a break, man. I don't always feel like eating Cracker Jacks in the middle of a game." Rollins added that he was looking forward to Thursday's game, when he plans to finally inform Utley that the "noise meter" on the Citizens Bank Park JumboTron is not real.

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