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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Chase Utley Takes Seventh-Inning Stretch Too Seriously, Report Teammates

PHILADELPHIA—After Monday night's game against the Florida Marlins, several of Chase Utley's Phillies teammates told reporters that the All-Star second baseman might be growing "obsessed" with stretching properly and singing in key during the seventh-inning stretch. "He insists that if you don't stretch every major muscle group at that exact moment in time, you risk pulling something," said shortstop Jimmy Rollins, who claimed Utley often forces the entire team to re-sing "Take Me Out to The Ballgame" if they don't perform the song in correct four-part harmony the first time. "Give me a break, man. I don't always feel like eating Cracker Jacks in the middle of a game." Rollins added that he was looking forward to Thursday's game, when he plans to finally inform Utley that the "noise meter" on the Citizens Bank Park JumboTron is not real.

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