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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Chatter Down 10 Percent

NEW YORK—The usage of common baseball chatter, including phrases like "Heybattabatta" and "Swingbattabatta," is down among teams at all levels by 10 percent, according to a report released by the Elias Sports Bureau Wednesday. "It's difficult to determine why Americans would not want to slightly alter their voices and yell, 'Whaddayasaynowkid'," said ESB analyst Edward Coffey, noting that Little League Baseball, traditionally considered the most important development area for chatter, recorded only 8.9 million instances of banter, patter, and other team-centric commentary this May, well down from last year's 12.7 million. "It could be the economy or the general state of the world, as chatter was down almost 30 percent during the recession of the early '90s. Then again, in the Great Depression we saw an outpouring of hundreds of novel forms of chatter. It's entirely possible chatter is entering a whole new era." In related news, chatter specifically for David Ortiz has dropped 90 percent.

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