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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Cheap Airfare Sole Reason For Trip To Italy

FLORENCE, ITALY—Halfway through their one-week vacation to Florence, capital of Italy's celebrated Tuscany region and widely considered the birthplace of the Italian Renaissance, Minneapolis couple John and Barbara Pelletier were reportedly still in awe Monday over the "unbelievable" airfare they obtained on discount travel website Hotwire.com. "In all my years, I never imagined I'd see anything like this—$1,000 for two round-trip tickets, tax included," John Pelletier said, as he and his wife shared a large Hawaiian pizza at a food court around the corner from Florence's 750-year-old Piazza della Signoria. "Everybody should visit Hotwire.com at least once in their lives." According to Barbara, the couple is excited to get out and see Michelangelo's David on Wednesday, so long as the lines at the gift shop aren't too long.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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