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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cheap Airfare Sole Reason For Trip To Italy

FLORENCE, ITALY—Halfway through their one-week vacation to Florence, capital of Italy's celebrated Tuscany region and widely considered the birthplace of the Italian Renaissance, Minneapolis couple John and Barbara Pelletier were reportedly still in awe Monday over the "unbelievable" airfare they obtained on discount travel website Hotwire.com. "In all my years, I never imagined I'd see anything like this—$1,000 for two round-trip tickets, tax included," John Pelletier said, as he and his wife shared a large Hawaiian pizza at a food court around the corner from Florence's 750-year-old Piazza della Signoria. "Everybody should visit Hotwire.com at least once in their lives." According to Barbara, the couple is excited to get out and see Michelangelo's David on Wednesday, so long as the lines at the gift shop aren't too long.

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