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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Cheap Airfare Sole Reason For Trip To Italy

FLORENCE, ITALY—Halfway through their one-week vacation to Florence, capital of Italy's celebrated Tuscany region and widely considered the birthplace of the Italian Renaissance, Minneapolis couple John and Barbara Pelletier were reportedly still in awe Monday over the "unbelievable" airfare they obtained on discount travel website Hotwire.com. "In all my years, I never imagined I'd see anything like this—$1,000 for two round-trip tickets, tax included," John Pelletier said, as he and his wife shared a large Hawaiian pizza at a food court around the corner from Florence's 750-year-old Piazza della Signoria. "Everybody should visit Hotwire.com at least once in their lives." According to Barbara, the couple is excited to get out and see Michelangelo's David on Wednesday, so long as the lines at the gift shop aren't too long.

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