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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Chemicals That Pushed Man’s Ancestors To Run Down Wild Boar Flare At Sight Of White Cheddar Popcorn Bag

KENNEBUNK, ME—Setting off a cascade of neurological processes that evolved in the human race millennia ago, the same chemicals that pushed local man Eric Steiner’s ancient ancestors to run down wild boar reportedly flared Thursday at the sight of a bag of white cheddar popcorn. According to sources, moments after his brain perceived and interpreted the relevant visual cues from the popcorn bag, a flood of neurotransmitters surged through Steiner’s hypothalamus, spurring him to pursue the snack with the exact intensity that his spear-wielding forebears displayed while chasing herds of swine for miles across the African savanna. Reports confirmed that, upon returning home, Steiner lunged at the bag with an adrenalized fervor indistinguishable from that which seized prehistoric hunters as they set upon a dangerous wild boar armed with razor-sharp tusks. At press time, the same digestive hormones that compelled Steiner’s most distant ancestors to strip every morsel of meat off the boar carcass was compelling him to scoop out all the cheese residue at the bottom of the bag.

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