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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Chemicals That Pushed Man’s Ancestors To Run Down Wild Boar Flare At Sight Of White Cheddar Popcorn Bag

KENNEBUNK, ME—Setting off a cascade of neurological processes that evolved in the human race millennia ago, the same chemicals that pushed local man Eric Steiner’s ancient ancestors to run down wild boar reportedly flared Thursday at the sight of a bag of white cheddar popcorn. According to sources, moments after his brain perceived and interpreted the relevant visual cues from the popcorn bag, a flood of neurotransmitters surged through Steiner’s hypothalamus, spurring him to pursue the snack with the exact intensity that his spear-wielding forebears displayed while chasing herds of swine for miles across the African savanna. Reports confirmed that, upon returning home, Steiner lunged at the bag with an adrenalized fervor indistinguishable from that which seized prehistoric hunters as they set upon a dangerous wild boar armed with razor-sharp tusks. At press time, the same digestive hormones that compelled Steiner’s most distant ancestors to strip every morsel of meat off the boar carcass was compelling him to scoop out all the cheese residue at the bottom of the bag.

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