Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake

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Vol 40 Issue 37

Kerry Vows To Raise Wife's Taxes

BOSTON—Campaigning in his home state, John Kerry vowed Monday to raise taxes on his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, whose worth is estimated to be in the range of $900 million to $3.2 billion. "My spouse has benefited long enough from tax cuts," Kerry said. "If Congress increased her taxes by 15 percent, this country would have millions of dollars to use to create new jobs and explore alternative energy sources." Kerry added that it's high time that billionaires like the one with whom he shares his life start paying their fair share.

Letter Of Recommendation Reused For Eighth Intern

NEW YORK—Attorney Dina H. Berman of Oliva, Berman & Chase said Tuesday that he has used the same letter of recommendation for eight consecutive interns. "Unless someone is a complete fuck-up, I can pretty much pull up the letter and just change the names and dates," Berman said. "They're all 'enterprising and enthusiastic with a lot of great ideas and an asset to any team' to me." Berman finished the letter with the standard offer to answer any questions about the intern, but did not correct the transposed digits in her phone number.

Petulant 12-Year-Old Refuses To Brown The Ground Chuck

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In spite of repeated requests from his mother, 12-year-old John Farina refused to brown the ground chuck Monday. "With the things I do around here, I ask you to do one thing to help me get dinner ready, and even that's too much," Farina's mother Karen yelled at the wall of her son's bedroom, where he had been playing a video game since returning from school. "And I don't care if you don't want taco casserole—it's your sister's turn to pick. You chose sloppy joes yesterday, so deal with it." Family sources report that Farina acceded to his mother's hamburger-related demands as soon as she introduced the alternate threat of washing the lettuce.

Cinemax Director Wins Award For Skinematography

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Marvin Solis, director of the late-night Cinemax offering Uptown Girl, nabbed the coveted Best Skinematography trophy at the 2004 Eroty Awards Monday night. "It's truly an honor to be recognized for this wonderful project," Solis said of the 43-minute erotic thriller, which stars Kira Jackson as a bored high-society housewife seduced into the steamy world of underground sex clubs. "I couldn't have done it without the help of my location scout, my lighting coordinator, and all those 14-year-old Cinemax viewers." Last year, Solis won the Zalman King Lifetime Achievement Award.

Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

The 10-year-old federal law banning the sale of 19 types of semiautomatic assault weapons expired Monday. What do you think?

I Wish My Life Was Better vs. Do You Wish Your Life Was Better?

I spend a lot of time sitting around, hoping that something will drop out of the sky and make my life better. I talk about it all the time. My friends have heard me say it, my family has heard me say it, and my ex-girlfriends have heard me say it. I really believe I deserve more than what I have, but whenever I think about how hard it is to turn things around, I end up feeling so hopeless. I'm stuck in a rut, but what can I do about it?

Trapped Miner Wishes He Could See The Coverage

MCINTYRE, PA—Kevin Rybicki, a coal miner trapped 340 feet underground, wished Monday that he had more headlamp batteries, another sandwich, and access to the coverage of his plight—which, he assumes, is captivating the nation.
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Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake

CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ—Reports of a shadowy figure in the woods and heavy breathing heard in the night, coupled with a recent series of grisly murders, have generated rumors that U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney has returned to terrorize the counselors at Camp Crystal Lake, sources reported Friday.

Camp Crystal Lake, the site of many recent as-yet-unsolved murders.

"I knew it'd been too quiet around here," camp caretaker Ephram Magritte, 67, said between sips from his flask. "Things were just starting to get back to normal. Then that carload of kids had to go have a drinking party at the lake last Friday. When two of them went missing, people started up again, saying Cheney was back. We don't need that kind of talk. Stirs up trouble. Scares off customers."

Four hours later, Magritte was found hanging from a tree, his brass-handled cane protruding from his eye socket.

Although some locals say the deaths prove that Cheney has returned to Camp Crystal Lake, most residents remain skeptical.

"Dick Cheney? No, sir, Dick Cheney is dead," general-store owner Doug Leffert said as he packed groceries into a box. "Last person to see Cheney alive was Tommy Williams, the feller that killed him. Yeah, blew him up. Knocked him down with a propane tank and shot it. Heck of an explosion. Burned down the mess hall, too. All anyone found left of Cheney was his eyeglasses."

Cheney

"Tommy was never the same after," Leffert added. "Been in an insane asylum up around Newton ever since."

According to camp counselor Jenny Marlatt, not every Crystal Lake murder was committed by Cheney.

"We all thought Cheney had returned last year," Marlatt said before pausing to inhale marijuana smoke from a soda-can pipe. "A bunch of people wound up getting murdered. But the killer turned out to be the brother of one of Cheney's victims. He put on some Cheney glasses and started killing people he thought should've kept a better eye on his brother."

More recently, Cheney's mother slaughtered nine people under the guise of her son before she was finally slain.

"Nah, Cheney hasn't been around for years," Marlatt said. "He's just a story mothers tell their children to get them to clean their plates."

Hours after Marlatt spoke to the press, her body was discovered hanging from the rafters in the camp's auditorium, her soda-can pipe jammed into her mouth.

Camp cook Henry Jones said that, while most of Cheney's homicides took place at Camp Crystal Lake and its immediate vicinity, the maniac has, on occasion, left the bucolic setting to stalk teens and police officers from other cities and towns.

"Remember when Cheney went to New York City?" Jones said Saturday. "They say he stowed away on a cruise ship of teenagers taking a graduation-night voyage around Manhattan Island. He killed almost everyone on board, then went ashore. Yes, sir, Cheney is back, all right—only this time, I know exactly how to stop him."

Cheney's glasses, as found in the woods near Camp Crystal Lake.

Those were among Jones' last words, as he was decapitated Sunday. His girlfriend, Jessica Clark, reported that a shadowy figure beheaded him with a machete while the couple kissed behind the camp's kitchen, shortly after she had removed her shirt.

Although nearly 100 Camp Crystal Lake staff members and visitors have been murdered in the last 25 years, experts report that the town is ill-prepared for the return of Cheney.

"Cheney is an unstoppable killing machine," CNN's Anderson Cooper said via telephone. "He has been burned, stabbed, slashed, hacked, bludgeoned, and shot, only to get back up and continue his rampage. But when the town's self-absorbed teens try to explain that something is wrong, very wrong, their calls for help fall on deaf ears. There needs to be some accountability on the part of—oh, God! He's here!"

Cooper, who then dropped the telephone, has not been heard from since.

As they continue to investigate the recent murders, police have urged locals to stay in their heavily windowed cabins, ignore strange scratching noises, and abstain from any immoral acts that might inflame the passions of a psychopath.

"If you see Cheney, do not try to stop him yourself," police officer Brian Doan said. "He is extremely adept at cutting, stabbing, slicing, or skewering victims using whatever implement he comes across. And, whatever you do, keep all machetes well out of reach, way up on really high shelves. The last thing you want to do is tangle with Cheney when he's armed with one of those things."

Doan was found vivisected the next day.

When asked about Cheney's whereabouts, White House press secretary Scott McClellan vehemently denied speculation that Cheney was responsible for the recent slayings, stating that Cheney has been far too busy with the Bush re-election campaign to visit Camp Crystal Lake in recent weeks. He also denied rumors that Cheney has turned on Donald Rumsfeld after assisting him with a string of murders on Elm Street, and he strenuously insisted that the two high-ranking government officials will not fight to the death.

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