adBlockCheck

Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake

Top Headlines

Politics

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake

CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ—Reports of a shadowy figure in the woods and heavy breathing heard in the night, coupled with a recent series of grisly murders, have generated rumors that U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney has returned to terrorize the counselors at Camp Crystal Lake, sources reported Friday.

Camp Crystal Lake, the site of many recent as-yet-unsolved murders.

"I knew it'd been too quiet around here," camp caretaker Ephram Magritte, 67, said between sips from his flask. "Things were just starting to get back to normal. Then that carload of kids had to go have a drinking party at the lake last Friday. When two of them went missing, people started up again, saying Cheney was back. We don't need that kind of talk. Stirs up trouble. Scares off customers."

Four hours later, Magritte was found hanging from a tree, his brass-handled cane protruding from his eye socket.

Although some locals say the deaths prove that Cheney has returned to Camp Crystal Lake, most residents remain skeptical.

"Dick Cheney? No, sir, Dick Cheney is dead," general-store owner Doug Leffert said as he packed groceries into a box. "Last person to see Cheney alive was Tommy Williams, the feller that killed him. Yeah, blew him up. Knocked him down with a propane tank and shot it. Heck of an explosion. Burned down the mess hall, too. All anyone found left of Cheney was his eyeglasses."

Cheney

"Tommy was never the same after," Leffert added. "Been in an insane asylum up around Newton ever since."

According to camp counselor Jenny Marlatt, not every Crystal Lake murder was committed by Cheney.

"We all thought Cheney had returned last year," Marlatt said before pausing to inhale marijuana smoke from a soda-can pipe. "A bunch of people wound up getting murdered. But the killer turned out to be the brother of one of Cheney's victims. He put on some Cheney glasses and started killing people he thought should've kept a better eye on his brother."

More recently, Cheney's mother slaughtered nine people under the guise of her son before she was finally slain.

"Nah, Cheney hasn't been around for years," Marlatt said. "He's just a story mothers tell their children to get them to clean their plates."

Hours after Marlatt spoke to the press, her body was discovered hanging from the rafters in the camp's auditorium, her soda-can pipe jammed into her mouth.

Camp cook Henry Jones said that, while most of Cheney's homicides took place at Camp Crystal Lake and its immediate vicinity, the maniac has, on occasion, left the bucolic setting to stalk teens and police officers from other cities and towns.

"Remember when Cheney went to New York City?" Jones said Saturday. "They say he stowed away on a cruise ship of teenagers taking a graduation-night voyage around Manhattan Island. He killed almost everyone on board, then went ashore. Yes, sir, Cheney is back, all right—only this time, I know exactly how to stop him."

Cheney's glasses, as found in the woods near Camp Crystal Lake.

Those were among Jones' last words, as he was decapitated Sunday. His girlfriend, Jessica Clark, reported that a shadowy figure beheaded him with a machete while the couple kissed behind the camp's kitchen, shortly after she had removed her shirt.

Although nearly 100 Camp Crystal Lake staff members and visitors have been murdered in the last 25 years, experts report that the town is ill-prepared for the return of Cheney.

"Cheney is an unstoppable killing machine," CNN's Anderson Cooper said via telephone. "He has been burned, stabbed, slashed, hacked, bludgeoned, and shot, only to get back up and continue his rampage. But when the town's self-absorbed teens try to explain that something is wrong, very wrong, their calls for help fall on deaf ears. There needs to be some accountability on the part of—oh, God! He's here!"

Cooper, who then dropped the telephone, has not been heard from since.

As they continue to investigate the recent murders, police have urged locals to stay in their heavily windowed cabins, ignore strange scratching noises, and abstain from any immoral acts that might inflame the passions of a psychopath.

"If you see Cheney, do not try to stop him yourself," police officer Brian Doan said. "He is extremely adept at cutting, stabbing, slicing, or skewering victims using whatever implement he comes across. And, whatever you do, keep all machetes well out of reach, way up on really high shelves. The last thing you want to do is tangle with Cheney when he's armed with one of those things."

Doan was found vivisected the next day.

When asked about Cheney's whereabouts, White House press secretary Scott McClellan vehemently denied speculation that Cheney was responsible for the recent slayings, stating that Cheney has been far too busy with the Bush re-election campaign to visit Camp Crystal Lake in recent weeks. He also denied rumors that Cheney has turned on Donald Rumsfeld after assisting him with a string of murders on Elm Street, and he strenuously insisted that the two high-ranking government officials will not fight to the death.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close