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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Cheney To Speak At Republican Convention From Section 109, Row 56, Seat 3

WASHINGTON—Vice President Dick Cheney's office announced today that he will speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention in St. Paul, MN, offering farewell wishes and personal observations about John McCain to anyone in the vicinity of his seat in the upper balcony. "The vice president has prepared a number of remarks to mutter angrily during Sen. Tom Coburn's speech," Cheney spokeswoman Megan Mitchell said. "We cannot divulge the specifics of his address at this time, although I imagine it will begin shortly after he spots [Sen. Joseph] Lieberman." Although no advance copy of the speech has been provided, Cheney is expected to cover a variety of hot-button issues, including the war in Iraq, Barack Obama, the conflict in Georgia, the idiots they have speaking at these things, legroom, the workers at the concession stand, the heat in this frigging place, and President Bush's tie.

Cheney may also indulge his surrounding audience by engaging in a brief but loud debate with his wife on the issue of why he had to come in the first place and delivering an inspiring set of closing remarks to convention security on the benefits of fucking yourself.

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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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