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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Cheney To Speak At Republican Convention From Section 109, Row 56, Seat 3

WASHINGTON—Vice President Dick Cheney's office announced today that he will speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention in St. Paul, MN, offering farewell wishes and personal observations about John McCain to anyone in the vicinity of his seat in the upper balcony. "The vice president has prepared a number of remarks to mutter angrily during Sen. Tom Coburn's speech," Cheney spokeswoman Megan Mitchell said. "We cannot divulge the specifics of his address at this time, although I imagine it will begin shortly after he spots [Sen. Joseph] Lieberman." Although no advance copy of the speech has been provided, Cheney is expected to cover a variety of hot-button issues, including the war in Iraq, Barack Obama, the conflict in Georgia, the idiots they have speaking at these things, legroom, the workers at the concession stand, the heat in this frigging place, and President Bush's tie.

Cheney may also indulge his surrounding audience by engaging in a brief but loud debate with his wife on the issue of why he had to come in the first place and delivering an inspiring set of closing remarks to convention security on the benefits of fucking yourself.

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