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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cherokee Nation Leader Announces 32 Red A Winner

CATOOSA, OK–Joe Byrd, Principal Chief of the Cherokee Nation, issued a table-wide proclamation Saturday, declaring 32 red a winner. "And 32 red is a winner," the leader of the Oklahoma tribe announced. "A big payoff for the little lady." Byrd became pit boss of the Cherokee Nation's roulette table in a peyote ceremony last week following a six-month stint supervising the tribe's 25 blackjack tables.

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