adBlockCheck

Chess Prodigy Gives Up Game After Getting Laid

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Chess Prodigy Gives Up Game After Getting Laid

To 14-year-old Milton Hervishbolt, the thrill of an efficient checkmate used to be the most rousing bodily sensation imaginable.

Before his first sexual experience, Milton Hervishbolt was considered the top under-15 chess mind in the nation. He has vowed never to play the game again.

A pawn promotion for a last-second Queen assault used to stoke the fire of life’s passion. A careful study of grandmasters like Ponziani, Fisher and Karpov used to occupy every synapse of his mind.

But no more.

“Milton recently had his first sexual experience,” chess coach Sergei Kostronvich said. “And his interest in the subtleties and beauty of the game of chess has been usurped by a newfound interest in ejaculation.”

Hervishbolt’s experience, delineated by Kostronvich at a press conference, took place at a downtown hotel where a juniors chess tournament was held last weekend. According to Kostronvich, the busty wife of a tournament organizer lured Hervishbolt to her hotel room and rubbed his genital region briefly, causing him to ejaculate. He then promptly fled.

“I’m not sure what she did,” Hervishbolt said, “But it felt even better than when I beat Ned Tiedelman with a Muzio gambit in the third-level junior masters last fall.”

Many young chess masters leave the game after discovering sex, according to a recent Chess Monthly study.

“The human orgasm is reportedly very pleasurable,” chess analyst Doris Gyklina said, herself once a grandmaster. “From the time of first orgasm on, a chess prodigy, if given the choice between the carnal forces of human sexuality and playing a game of chess, will invariably choose sex. Especially if it is with another human.”

According to his coach, Hervishbolt’s only previous contact with a female took place in a tri-state rank trial. Hervishbolt was pitted against a 9-year-old female opponent, Sandra Kloust, renowned in her upstate New York school district for her undefeated elementary chess record.

“It didn’t matter to Milton that she was a female,” Kostronvich said. Reportedly, the girl’s flat chest and underdeveloped pheromone glands made her incapable of arousing the boy.

Hervishbolt’s seductress, 43-year-old Wendy Menkis, supports Hervishbolt’s decision to give up the game.

“I have always fantasized about tea-ching a fresh young boy the art of making love,” Menkis said. “I find their youth and inexperience an in-credible turn-on.”

When asked, Men--kis admitted she does not care about chess, nor does she have any interest in learning the intricacies of the game. Hervishbolt, also no longer interested in chess, plans to pursue more sexual experiences.

“I will employ the technique of encirclement to ensnare a female,” he said, outlining his plans for the immediate future. “Threat-ening a for-king check, i.e. N-K7ch, I will capture her En Passant, much like the pawn. It is at that point that I will be in position to touch her boob.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close