adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Chess Prodigy Gives Up Game After Getting Laid

To 14-year-old Milton Hervishbolt, the thrill of an efficient checkmate used to be the most rousing bodily sensation imaginable.

Before his first sexual experience, Milton Hervishbolt was considered the top under-15 chess mind in the nation. He has vowed never to play the game again.

A pawn promotion for a last-second Queen assault used to stoke the fire of life’s passion. A careful study of grandmasters like Ponziani, Fisher and Karpov used to occupy every synapse of his mind.

But no more.

“Milton recently had his first sexual experience,” chess coach Sergei Kostronvich said. “And his interest in the subtleties and beauty of the game of chess has been usurped by a newfound interest in ejaculation.”

Hervishbolt’s experience, delineated by Kostronvich at a press conference, took place at a downtown hotel where a juniors chess tournament was held last weekend. According to Kostronvich, the busty wife of a tournament organizer lured Hervishbolt to her hotel room and rubbed his genital region briefly, causing him to ejaculate. He then promptly fled.

“I’m not sure what she did,” Hervishbolt said, “But it felt even better than when I beat Ned Tiedelman with a Muzio gambit in the third-level junior masters last fall.”

Many young chess masters leave the game after discovering sex, according to a recent Chess Monthly study.

“The human orgasm is reportedly very pleasurable,” chess analyst Doris Gyklina said, herself once a grandmaster. “From the time of first orgasm on, a chess prodigy, if given the choice between the carnal forces of human sexuality and playing a game of chess, will invariably choose sex. Especially if it is with another human.”

According to his coach, Hervishbolt’s only previous contact with a female took place in a tri-state rank trial. Hervishbolt was pitted against a 9-year-old female opponent, Sandra Kloust, renowned in her upstate New York school district for her undefeated elementary chess record.

“It didn’t matter to Milton that she was a female,” Kostronvich said. Reportedly, the girl’s flat chest and underdeveloped pheromone glands made her incapable of arousing the boy.

Hervishbolt’s seductress, 43-year-old Wendy Menkis, supports Hervishbolt’s decision to give up the game.

“I have always fantasized about tea-ching a fresh young boy the art of making love,” Menkis said. “I find their youth and inexperience an in-credible turn-on.”

When asked, Men--kis admitted she does not care about chess, nor does she have any interest in learning the intricacies of the game. Hervishbolt, also no longer interested in chess, plans to pursue more sexual experiences.

“I will employ the technique of encirclement to ensnare a female,” he said, outlining his plans for the immediate future. “Threat-ening a for-king check, i.e. N-K7ch, I will capture her En Passant, much like the pawn. It is at that point that I will be in position to touch her boob.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close