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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Chess Supercomputer Beaten Up By More Popular Computer

KATONAH, NY—IBM's Deep Blue, the chess supercomputer that recently contended with world chess champion Gary Kasparov, was beaten up Monday by a Macintosh Performa 6400CD, one of the most popular home computers on the market.

The Performa 6400 (inset), a popular PC, beat up IBM's Deep Blue Monday. Insiders say the Performa may have been acting out of deep personal insecurities over its sales figures, which historically have lagged behind those of comparable IBM models.

The attack occured at approximately 3 p.m., shortly after a 60 Minutes piece on Deep Blue finished taping at IBM headquarters. The Performa reportedly entered Deep Blue's work station and pounded aggressively at the cabinet housing the chess computer's logic board, spilled coffee on its keyboard and inserted several paper clips into its ventilation slots. Deep Blue was not badly damaged.

Deep Blue's programmers expressed outrage over the incident. "This kind of thing makes me furious, as Deep Blue is extremely sensitive to teasing from more popular computers," said programmer David Wembley. "Almost as sensitive as it is to Capablanca gambits."

Added Wembley: "We are currently coding a subroutine into Deep Blue explaining to it that when you're the best at something, other computers sometimes have difficulty with that and feel they have to take you down a notch."

Macintosh spokesman Guy Kawasaki described the beating as "unfortunate," but added that "when you're as powerful and popular as the 6400, with its huge 2.4GB hard drive, lightning-quick 200MHz PowerPC 603e processor and sales topping $150 million in the past three months alone, sometimes you wind up stepping on some toes."

Some industry observers believe the Performa's bullying is motivated by and indicative of deep personal insecurities.

"The Performa, one of the most popular home computers in the history of the industry, has much to be proud of," Mac World columnist and licensed therapist Mitch Gallagher said. "But for all of its success, I believe the Performa still harbors a lot of nagging self-doubt, because no matter what it does, its sales figures still always seem to lag behind those of its PC-compatible peers."

"Sometimes," continued Gallagher, "all the storage capacity in the world isn't enough to make a computer feel good about itself."

It is also rumored that things have not been going well at Apple headquarters, leading some to believe that the Performa may be under a good deal of stress. "Financial losses and layoffs at Apple have probably made the Performa feel as though its world has been turned upside-down," Wired's Ted Fraschilla said. "When that happens, a computer can feel as though it has no control over its environment. This may have caused the Performa to commit what amounts to exercising control over Deep Blue."

Employees laid off in recent months include key members of the Performa's development team, programmers the PC had known all its life.

If the Performa is involved in more misbehavior, the Federal Trade Commission may mandate a recall. Apple has urged the FTC that such an action would only make things worse for the Performa instead of better.

The last thing Performa needs right now is to be told that it is a bad computer," Apple president Gilbert Amelio said. "A recall would in effect do that. We are sure that Performa owners will be pleased in the future by the performance of their PC, both in its ability to perform assigned tasks and in how it gets along with other machines."

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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