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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Chicago Public Schools Celebrate Fifth Straight Day Without Any Student Violence

CHICAGO—Jubilant Chicago Public Schools officials announced Friday that, for five straight days now, there has not been a single act of student violence in any of the city’s 675 public schools. “Our classrooms and hallways are safer now than they’ve ever been,” said CPS chief executive Jean-Claude Brizard, happily noting that there have been no reported instances of beatings, stabbings, sexual assaults, or shootings in any of the city’s public schools this week. “We’ve had no incidents of weapons being brought onto school property, nor has anyone had to break up a fistfight between students. We’ve all had to work together for this, but it’s paid off. Let’s keep it up!” At press time, a gunfight on Chicago’s South Side had reportedly claimed the lives of three 16-year-old boys.

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