Chicago Rolls Out Cold-Weather Prostitutes

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Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

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Chicago Rolls Out Cold-Weather Prostitutes

CHICAGO—From the barren tree branches to the colorful Christmas decorations, the signs of another Windy City winter are everywhere you look. And with the chilly air and fresh snow comes the sight of local residents replacing their regular three-season hookers with prostitutes better capable of handling the tough Chicago streets.

Across the city, residents are swapping out regular hookers with more dedicated, cold-weather prostitutes in their cars.

Unlike many other parts of the country, where milder temperatures and lighter snowfalls allow for the convenience of all-year prostitutes, citizens of Chicago must turn to thicker, sturdier working girls who can provide the high performance needed to get through the worst their notorious winter has to offer.

"When temperatures drop below zero, you need prostitutes you can depend on when they're needed most," said area resident Phillip Eadie, who mounted four cold-weather hookers earlier this month. "The last thing you want during a raging blizzard is to get stuck with a prostitute who's not up to the task when it really counts."

"Seriously, if it weren't for cold-weather prostitutes, I don't think I'd ever leave the house," he added.

More resistant to heavy wear and tear than ordinary street whores, these high-performance prostitutes provide Chicago residents with optimal handling under the roughest of conditions, a firmer grip on ultra-slick surfaces, as well as greater rear-end balance. In addition to improved start and stop capabilities, the prostitutes are also able to absorb the bumpiest of rides.

"I'm the kind of guy who likes to feel in control at all times, and cold-weather prostitutes give me just that," said resident Charles Wentel, adding that he was first turned on to the seasonal whores by his father. "With other prostitutes I would always worry about how they'd react to unpredictable situations or whether they had the flexibility necessary to take on any and all jobs."

 "I've shelled out a lot of money for a lot of hookers in my life, and let me tell you these cold-weather babies are by far the best," Wentel added. "You won't find me riding around with anything less this winter."

According to local dealers and distributors of winter-ready prostitutes, most summer hookers "have very little life left in them" by Thanksgiving and can "hardly be trusted" to manage street corners through the winter.

<b>"I've shelled out a lot of money for hookers in my life, and let me tell you, these cold-weather babies are the best."</b> <p>Satisfied customer<br> Charles Wentel</p>

"You can rotate your old whores, tie them up in chains, dress them up any and each way you like, but it won't make a bit of a difference," said Dale Huza, who peddles cold-weather prostitutes in nine different downtown locations. "Since getting in the business five years ago, I've yet to hear of a single customer who's been let down by these hookers. Hell, I even use them myself."

Often selected as among the safest whores on the market, cold-weather prostitutes are also a popular choice for those who have families to think about.

"As a husband and father of two boys, I demand a lot from my call girls," said Henry Greenman, who admitted to having an easier time sleeping at night since picking up some cold-weather prostitutes. "After all, there's no way I can be taking risks with unsafe tramps knowing the effect they could have on my family."

"Sure they may cost a little more, but as I've always said, you can't put a price on peace of mind," he added.

Many members of the Chicago business community have come out in favor of cold-weather prostitutes.

Managers, employees, and two custodians at South Side Automotive strongly recommend the hookers this season, claiming that in a series of "side-by-side" tests conducted behind their premises, cold-weather prostitutes outperformed regular prostitutes in every winter trial.

"More than any other prostitutes we've come across, there's nothing these hookers can't and won't withstand, no environment you can put them in where they won't do what's required of them," owner Mike Watlak said. "I give cold-weather prostitutes my and my company's personal stamp of approval."

Added Watlak: "One thing's for sure: They can really take a beating."